IT was the turn of the people of Mbare to be blessed with hosting the latest edition of the Lying Olympics, courtesy of the alleged revolutionary party.
The people of Mbare had a visit with our deputy owner, Vice-President Constantino Chiwenga, the man who is spending his spare time being in charge of our health system while he waits his turn to eat.
In Mbare, Chiwenga brought good news to the masses. He is going to refurbish those hideous hostels built by the evil colonial regime and build brand new market stalls.
“I have come here with the Local Government minister (July Moyo) so that we can uplift Mbare Musika to make it a world-class market like what other countries are doing, together with Mupedzanhamo Market,” he said.
This must have come as a surprise to Mbare residents, who are sure that the Second Republic, known far and wide for delivering on its promises, had already built new hostels. Some evil Western-sponsored people have been reminding all and sundry that the same man promised swimming pools to the people of Mbare in 2018. Well, if the people of Mbare want to swim, they are free to take a dive into one of the multiple pools of sewage on Pazarangu Street in Mbare.
Forced rally
Still in Mbare, some people were complaining that they were forced to stop trading to attend the Zanu PF rally called by our owners.
One resident was quoted as saying: “We were all told to stop what we were doing and go to the rally. If you don’t go, you face having your stall taken away.”
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Of course, one Goodwills Masimirembwa denied this claim, for some reason. He told the media: “No one was forced to attend the rally. People love Zanu PF and went to that rally willingly. No one was forced to close the Mupedzanhamo area. Blame should be blamed on the CCC council that closed down the Mupedzanhamo market.”
One wonders why Masimirembwa felt compelled to explain himself or even blame the opposition. Surely, he should have just told them what we all know. Why someone would want to continue working when the country’s next chief eater is in their neighbourhood is beyond comprehension. Surely, one can choose to go hungry for a day to go to a rally. They have a steady diet of lies that will keep one’s belly full for a week.
Gracious offer
You know it is election season when everyone is getting stuff for free. The latest lucky ones are chiefs. According to an announcement by cabinet, some patriotic chiefs will be getting mining claims soon.
This, we are told, is “following the boom in the mining sector”. Apart from this, “Cabinet further granted the request by war veterans for mining titles,” according to the Minister of Mis-Information, Monica Mutsvangwa.
Herald reported: “Chiefs have for years been lobbying government to grant them access to the minerals available in their areas as this would increase their communities’ participation in economic activities and improve the people’s livelihoods.”
It is party time for chiefs. Which self-respecting traditional leader would refuse such a gracious offer? In return, we must make sure that each chief banishes any unruly elements who try to vote for the opposition from their lands. We must preserve our traditions, especially the tradition of eating on our people’s behalf.
US dollar ban
The nation applauds the people’s government for standing firm against the evil machinations of the City of Harare. The council announced that it would soon charge rates in United States dollars, a dastardly attempt to preserve value.
But the government is having none of it. In a letter to the council, the Finance permanent secretary George Guvamatanga told the council off.
“The charging and billing in United States dollars by the City of Harare or any local authority is unlawful and contravenes the constitution,” he wrote to Town House. “As city councils under your purview, may you ensure that the City of Harare withdraws its notice and that all local authorities comply with the relevant laws. Be guided accordingly.”
We are certain that Guvamatanga will write similar letters to the Passport Office, which refuses to touch the Zimbabwe dollar with a 10-foot pole. But then again, we know that if he dares do that, he will become one of the few unemployed people in this country in no time.
Most sought-after
Speaking of the Zimdollar, it is the most sought-after currency in the country right now. This is according to a report by the Herald, which by now we all know is the most reliable source of news this side of the equator.
The paper reported: “Demand for the Zimbabwean dollar continues to soar as more businesses and individuals seek to transact using the local currency, which has regained its lost value for the third consecutive time at the wholesale foreign currency auction to settle at US$1:ZW$5 395 this week from US$1:ZW$5 739 last week.”
Of course, this has nothing to do with the fact that the government is refusing to pay contractors, or pay the Zimdollar component of their export proceeds.
This, the Herald reported, is “a strong indication of the market’s positive response to a series of policy interventions put in place by monetary authorities to mop up excess liquidity and restore macro-economic stability”.
No doubt, soon, our currency will be the most sought-after currency in the world. We are going to see big economies around the world ditching the US dollar and making a beeline for Zimbabwe to get themselves some trusted Zimdollar notes. It won’t be long.
Deluded Tyson
It is not only our owners who are suffering from bouts of delusion. One Saviour Kasukuwere, a presidential candidate, was in Kenya to talk to the press.
“If I emerge the winner in the polls, my top priority for the people is to give title deeds to Zimbabweans who have been suffering for decades,” he said. This must surely delight many voters, who up to now have only known of his expertise in the field of using pesticides, guns and whips as tools of political persuasion.
He also said: “I come with a clear agenda, and a deep appreciation of what Zimbabweans need.”
People had forgotten that, apart from violence, he also uses jokes and lies as part of his campaign.
Muckraker, meanwhile, was horrified to see Kasukuwere’s team posting pictures of a group of people said to be his supporters. On their shirts was the slogan “Passanger 34” (sic). We hope, once he is President, he makes basic spell-check a priority in his office.
CCC blame game
This week, the opposition CCC has been caught up in a fight over fraudulent candidates who somehow got hold of signatures and logos and decided to make themselves candidates of the party against its wishes.
The party, in a newsletter posted on its platforms, says it knows the culprits.
“Investigation into the (St Mary’s) matter revealed that (disputed candidate) Freddy Masarirevhu, despite initially accepting the (candidate selection) process, was later instructed to defy the party’s decision by individuals whose names have been disclosed to this journalist,” the news article said.
The party says these people are “malcontents” who are “members who are within and outside the party (who are) pushing an agenda to weaken the party”.
We must celebrate the fact that the CCC has discovered words like “malcontents” and also discovered the art of blaming “third forces” and not taking responsibility for anything. It is yet another sign that they are ready to become our new rulers.
