THULANI Nsingo (not his real name) is a deacon at one of the prominent churches in Bulawayo. I came across him one of these days and he narrated his marital story:
“Jonah, I am in a real problem. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. When I married 16 years ago, neither my pastors nor my father hinted that marriage has its thorns. When I tell you that my wife beats me, you won’t believe it. She beats me not because I can’t defend myself, but to protect my life, I just keep my mouth shut.
“My wife works at a well-known educational institute and earns more than I do. I am a teacher. When we married, she didn’t even have an Ordinary Level certificate. As a couple, we agreed that she should go back to school and better herself. I supported her with the little we earned, and she ultimately got a degree, which led to her employment.
“In the process, I don’t know what changed in her. I noticed she had become disrespectful towards me. As a Christian, I tried by all means to make things work. One fateful day, she slapped me for the first time.
“I was angry, but did not retaliate. She pushed me against the wall, and to defend myself, I pushed her off. When she fell to the ground, all hell broke loose. At around 7pm, she drove to ZRP Central Police Station and reported me.
“I was picked up by the police that very night and spent the weekend in cells. I have never cried as a man as I did in those cells. The police would say, ‘What kind of man beats a woman?’ I tried to explain my story, but no one seemed to hear my cry.
“On Monday, my wife came to the police station and requested that the case be dropped. I breathed a sigh of relief. At last, I was out and free. Free, but wounded.
“Now my thought was: What will my church mates say if they hear all this? Life continued as though nothing had happened, but my life changed. I could not protect myself against my wife because I was not protected and supported. I fought a lone war.
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“She beat me the other day with a door bar until my nose bled. I would not retaliate out of fear. I loved my children. Sex was no longer palatable whenever she decided we have it. I felt sex-starved. I resorted to masturbation. I would not have sex with anyone outside my marriage because of my Christian beliefs, but masturbation became the way out even though I knew it was a sin. I carried internal scars; the world could not come to my side.
“One day in May 2023, I fell in front of school children in my class and was rushed to Mpilo Central Hospital. The doctors said I had high blood pressure, and I am now on tablets.”
This might not be a single story. Some men might be suffering the same fate.
I was a facilitator recently for a church men’s gathering and the discussion was on mental health.
Men hardly open up, but some who spoke showed that men have hidden scars. They go through pain in silence. Why do men suffer in silence?
There are many reasons why men might suffer in silence, and it’s often a mix of societal, psychological, and cultural factors.
Here are some common ones:
Societal expectations
Men are often expected to be strong, stoic and self-reliant.
Expressing emotions or admitting vulnerability can be seen as a sign of weakness.
As we grew up, my father would tell men that a man should not cry. This has led me to suppress my true feelings.
Fear of judgment
Men might worry about being judged or ridiculed if they open up about their struggles.
This fear can prevent them from seeking help or sharing their feelings.
A man is expected to strong and should be a leader and that is not bad. So, when the opposite happens, they feel they are not men enough.
They won’t confide in other man for fear that they may be viewed as not man enough.
Lack of support
A general view will show that women have more protection that men.
There are organisations that fight for women, but less is done for men.
Sometimes, men feel that there are fewer resources and support systems available to them, or that the existing ones are not designed to address their specific needs.
Stigma around mental health
The stigma associated with mental health issues can discourage men from seeking the help they need.
They might fear being labelled as “crazy” or “unstable”.
The man then decides to hide in his curve. Whilst in the curve he slowly dies from hidden scars, without anyone help to nurse them.
Cultural norms
In many cultures, traditional gender roles dictate that men should be providers and protectors, which can discourage them from expressing any form of vulnerability.
Fear of consequences
In cases of domestic abuse, men might fear that they won’t be believed or that they could be blamed for the situation.
There might also be legal and social repercussions if they come forward.
Lack of awareness
Some men might not recognise the symptoms of mental health issues or might not be aware of the resources available to them.
Addressing these barriers requires a cultural shift, greater awareness, and more inclusive support systems that encourage men to speak up and seek help without fear of judgment or ridicule.
Let’s remember men during these 16 Days of Activism again Gender-Based Violence.
- Jonah Nyoni is an author, speaker and leadership trainer. He can be contacted on X @jonahnyoni. WhatsApp: +263 772 581 918
