HAVE we ever considered how many orphans there are in the world? One estimate has given the figure of 153 million. That is a frightening, disturbing, alarming figure. Here in Zimbabwe, there is a huge proportion of orphans (over 26% of children under the age of 18 are considered to be such) – over one million children. HIV and Aids has been deemed to be the major cause but the blunt reality is that in many cases the parents have died and in others, the parents have dumped the child.
However, it should be added that there is another reason that many more children have in fact been orphaned; it is not just a matter of death or being dumped but also being defeated.
That definitely needs an explanation! And as a means of explanation, we should turn to the words of the late US President JF Kennedy, who, on accepting responsibility for the failed invasion of Cuba in what is known as the ‘Battle of Pigs’, declared that “Victory has a thousand fathers but defeat is an orphan”. How we witness such a view at the side of school sports fields today.
When our child wins or plays well, we delight in the glory and take all the credit; each father of every child in the team will claim that it was his child that was the reason the team won but each will be all over all the players in congratulating them; they will even be congratulating each other as parents for raising such wonderfully talented children. Victory has a thousand fathers, indeed!
There is a cartoon depicting a father kneeling beside his son before the child enters the sporting arena and declaring: “Just remember, son, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose” before adding in the same breath, “Unless you want daddy’s love”. We laugh yet we weep. It is so absurd a thought that we laugh but it is so astute an observation of fathers that we weep.
Even if the father does not say such words, it is clearly evident that with some fathers it is entirely and sadly true.
The sad fact is that many parents live out that truism without realising it. When a child comes home from a sporting fixture (at which the parent could not be present), the parent’s first question is – yes, you guessed it: “Did you win?” That tells the child straight away that the result is the most important thing and that victory is the only result desired. Indeed, the child knows it only too well, so that even if the parent asks, “So, how was it?” the child knows to answer triumphantly “We won” or quietly, defeatedly, “We lost”.
The wise parent, the fan of the child, will ask different and more important questions. Firstly, how good is it to ask the question, “Did you enjoy the match”? It is a sad fact that parents will allege that a match cannot be enjoyed if it is a loss.
- Orphans or fans
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There can be huge enjoyment in the physical and mental battle of competition, even in a loss; the child, even the team, may have played far above their previous ability against an extremely strong team and loved the challenge. Secondly, such a fan parent will ask, “What did you learn from it?” (where the answer will not be “I learned not to lose if I want to be loved”). The whole point of a school fixture is that children firstly enjoy the game with all its challenges and opportunities and secondly learn from it, no matter the result.
Sadly, though, all too often, fathers adopt the same approach (albeit without saying the words) as the character Peter in the Bible did when he was challenged about knowing Jesus and he indicated that he never knew him – three times before the cock crowed, just as had been predicted and vehemently denied.
The father (even the coach, at times) will hang his head, look away, cover his eyes, walk away, at what the child has done, claiming almost not to have known him. Instead, he should take responsibility for any failure and give credit to the child when winning.
Our children playing sport – are they orphans or do they have fans? Do parents support them throughout, whether their child wins or loses? Parents, like JF Kennedy, need to take responsibility for their child in defeat. Our children deserve our love no matter what happens. Yet how many more will become orphans because of sport?
Children need real fans in their parents, not be made orphans. They need parents who support their child whatever the result. What do we see, week in, week out? Orphans or fans? Is that a cockerel we hear…? Is that laughing or weeping that can be heard? How many children must die before we find the cure for this sickness?
