This week, the nation celebrated one of the most ironic public holidays on the planet. It was Youth Day in remembrance of one of the oldest alleged leaders we ever saw.
In memory of Robert Mugabe, old men and women gathered in Masvingo on Wednesday to mark National Youth Day, a day they plan new schemes to destroy the youth. As they fed unemployed youths a few morsels from their tables, a sign of their great generosity, and talked about how the youths in the country were the most empowered in the world, the sellouts Zimbabwe National Statistics Agency were saying otherwise.
The agency released a set of very unpatriotic figures. They said half of the country’s youths aged between 15 and 35 years are neither going to school, training nor employed. According to the labour survey by ZimStat, “the national percentage of youth not in education, employment or training for ages between 15 and 35 stands at 48.5%.”
For Zanu PF, this is excellent news. It means our midweek rallies will always have good attendance. The only youth empowerment we recognise is that which involves the country’s favourite twins.
Ill-fated
Another way our patriots are showing commitment to the youth is to campaign for a man aged over 80 to stay in power for several more years.
A few days ago, Zanu PF’s alleged youth met in Masvingo to deliberate on the most pressing issue in the country — campaigning to make sure that President Emmerson Mnangagwa remains the owner of the country for a longer period. Why not, when he is doing such a sterling job?
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We heard slogans that Mnangagwa would still be there in 2030. Of course, some among us are trying to stop this patriotic movement. Zanu PF information director Farai Marapira said it was not true, telling the press: “President Mnangagwa was recently given a fresh mandate to lead the people of Zimbabwe and is focusing on that. Anything more than that, [is] a lie.”
Such malcontents should be weeded out.
Of course, there was an intervention from Saviour Kasukuwere. Weighing in on the issue, the man said: “Third term is an ill-fated attempt to stay in power! It will backfire and embarrass you.”
This is why this chap is one of Muckraker’s favourite Zimbabwean comedians. He is always ready to make himself available to elicit a good, hearty laugh from normal people.
Perfect opportunity
While some were still celebrating the good news that our leader may stay for more years to destroy the country a bit more, there was more good news for Zanu PF. It emerged that many crops around the country are failing due to the effects of the worst drought we have seen in many years. Excellent news.
Sights of wilted crops and distressed villagers around the country are being met with loud shouts of joy in the corridors of Zanu PF headquarters, that building sitting on the aptly named Rotten Row.
With people unable to feed themselves, there are many political and commercial opportunities available to chefs. People with full stomachs are troublesome. You ask them to come to rallies and they claim they are tending to their crops. They even ask silly questions and think they have made it in life.
But, when they are hungry, we know they will come to us and beg for food. We will, naturally, force them to do as we please.
Of course, we should not forget the most exciting thing about hunger; we get to steal bags of maize to sell and give each other contracts for delivering food aid in our trucks — which food we will naturally steal.
We thank El Nino for this glorious opportunity.
Fair Warning
Still on opportunities, our unpatriotic newspapers were reminded this week in no uncertain terms that they should stop snooping around when the elders are eating.
After some upstart website published what it alleged were claims of malfeasance in the upper crusts of the security services, there was uproar in the corridors.
First, a statement was released telling the press to back off, with officials saying they were investigating at their own pace. Clearly, this was not enough.
They then trotted out their hatchet man, who moonlights as the President’s mouthpiece, to issue a warning.
“We continue to urge the media fraternity to treat stories to do with security structures of this country with utmost care and sensitivity,” the man said.
“Leading through advocacy muddies the water and may invite some responses, which may not be that palatable.”
“Media urged to be cautious on national security issues,” The Herald said.
This requires translation, for the treacherous journalists who may miss this plain English.
What we are saying is that alleged corruption is not a threat to national security.
What threatens national security is talking about the corruption.
Can people be patriotic for once and let our chefs eat in peace?
Busiest First Lady
The nation is still buzzing with excitement after the First Lady of Botswana, Neo Jane Masisi, visited the country this week to learn from her counterpart, who is the busiest First Lady in Africa.
According to The Herald, a newspaper renowned all over the world for impartial and objective journalism, Madam Masisi “described her counterpart, Agric4She patron First Lady Dr Auxillia Mnangagwa, as a mentor and women empowerment champion whose programmes she intends to replicate in her home country”.
These programmes, we have no doubt, include making sure that your sons are well taken care of, and ignoring any noise from people who somehow think nepotism is a bad thing. According to the paper, “Dr Mnangagwa took her counterpart and her delegation on a tour of breath-taking Agric4She projects she inspired as part of her empowerment initiatives.”
We are sure she lost her breath as she saw some of the roads on her way there.
Naturally, our First Lady had some wise words for her guest, telling her: “If the wife is the director and the man the manager, this means the house is filled with love and respect isn’t it so?”
Of that, we have no doubt.
Gentle reminder
The nation was reminded once again to leave our successful entrepreneurs alone. We should not question their wealth, or even dare demand that they use their loot — sorry, profits — for silly things like philanthropy. Wicknell Chivayo, who is now the poster boy of the once-upon-a-time party of black liberation, was asked if he would use his wealth to support charity. What a preposterous suggestion.
“I blocked everyone who sent me that message because I do not want to be told how to use my money, if anyone feels that is more important, let them use their money,” he told some radio presenters. He then proceeded to dole out cars to the presenters, once again showing the high level of media ethics in the country.
Surely, who are we to question how a man should eat his largesse? We should just celebrate that at least someone is enjoying the fat of the land, in his case, quite literally.
Confusing
Over there in the alleged opposition, the drama and theatre continues, much to the nation’s delight.
It was announced at the weekend that Welshman Ncube, Tendai Biti and Lynette Karenyi-Kore would take turns to stand at the altar of the Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC), after Nelson Chamisa left the church in a huff.
“The Acting President position will be held by the three vice-Presidents, on a 90-day rotation basis, until the party goes to an elective congress,” the party announced. It is always good seeing people taking turns at the feeding trough. Meanwhile, it must be a confusing time for our friends at the Westgate embassy.
