Zim jubilates for a takeaway meal

By Muckraker | Dec. 8, 2023

Nigeria had a total of 1 411 delegates, while Morocco had 823 and Kenya flew with 765. We have a reputation to keep. We cannot be beaten by these amateurs. Zambia, our pesky next door neighbours, had close to 250 delegates. At least we beat them hands down.

THE world could barely believe its fortune when the Scarfed One and his entourage made a grand entry into the United Arab Emirates this past week to attend the annual talkfest on the environment. We all know the world was waiting to hear him speak on environmental matters, given his vast experience in encouraging environmental degradation.

It was, however, disappointing to see the size of our country’s delegation to COP28. Honestly, we must do better.

According to an official list, we had a mere 279 delegates. This is unacceptable. A mere 279 — which went up to close to 400 with other comrades on the “overflow list” — is just not enough.

We must aspire to do better than them next year. We must aim for at least 1 000 delegates. Is it not we are pushing the mantra of “leaving no one behind”?

Why explain yourself!?

Still at COP28, the people of Namibia have been making pointless noise after their owner, President Hage Geingob, decided to take his wife and four children along to work.

Needless to say, the opposition in his country got excited. Usually, they have little to do because the ruling party, Swapo, has strangely decided to run the country properly. This is unlike others, who are working full time for the opposition by giving them too much work.

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The Namibian opposition is whining that Geingob travelled with his family. His office responded, telling them that he had used his own money.

“President Geingob and Madame Geingos (first lady) paid for the flights and accommodation expenses of their children. The Namibian public and the media should rest assured that not a single cent of public funds has been spent on the children of the first couple.”

Frankly, our owner should have a private chat with Geingob next time they meet at one of these boring summits they have all over the place. Someone needs to talk to him. Why, oh why, does he feel the need to explain himself this way?

Surely, even if he spent public money taking his children on official trips, how is that the business of the public? Some of us here even take our children to negotiate national deals in foreign lands. Do you see us stretching backwards to explain? Who does Geingob think he is?

Takeaway meal

Many among us keep asking useless questions each time President Emmerson Mnangagwa goes on one of his foreign trips. One such stupid frequently asked question is: “What did he achieve?”

Boy, did we have a solid answer for these cynics this week.

According to the President’s spokesperson, our leader managed to secure a massive success at the event: he ate fast food in public.

We were told: “Amidst a frenetic programme at COP28, the evidently overworked and famished Zimbabwean President had no choice, but to settle for a takeaway meal got from some outlet adjoining the summit hall. Delegates within the vicinity could not believe their eyes to see a whole head of state settling for a humble takeaway.”

As the massive news that the President had eaten takeaway food reached Zimbabwe, there was widespread jubilation all across the land. What a successful trip this was.

Seditious Mavima

Back home, one Paul Mavima was recorded making seriously seditious comments at a meeting attended by the country’s deputy owner.

He is the Minister of Skills Audit and Development, a task that obviously keeps him with little to do. And this is why he found himself at some meeting attended by a bored-looking Vice-President Kembo Mohadi.

Mavima said: “Zanu PF should move towards having an orientation that is like that of the Chinese Communist Party. It is a very strong party that admits only those people who are fully schooled in the ideology of the party. It forms a government that is fully rooted in nationalist orientation. This is different from the likes of (Nelson) Chamisa who want to sell the country.”

Does he not know what he is asking for? Asking us to adopt the ways of the Chinese in governing the country? That would mean shooting people, who tend to put their fingers into the national cooking jar. That would leave all our government offices empty.

He must have been arrested on the spot.

Mthuli-nomics

Speaking of selling the country, as Mavima put it, the nation was informed last week that the country may soon sell some useless things like airports and highways.

According to Mthuli Ncube, the Minister of No Finance, he is tired of simply looking at these airports and has plans to sell them. Of course, Mthuli is educated enough not to call it selling family jewels.

There is a fancy term for it — “asset recycling”. It will see private players running the new Beitbridge highway and three of our airports, which are mostly used to see off our leader and welcome him back.

We can be sure that only patriotic people will get these things. Besides, we have already feathered the bed by making sure the toll gate fees are suitably high enough.

Asked about his high taxes, Mthuli was quick to put people in their place, saying: “I don’t think it’s excessive. Frankly, I feel that it’s fair.”

Clearly, all these people complaining about taxes need to work harder and stop being lazy.

Bitter Americans

It was reported this week that the Americans, still bitter after all these years, have decided that they will not give visas to people involved in what they call undermining democracy.

“Such acts may include manipulating or rigging the electoral process; disenfranchising voters or preventing individuals from exercising their right to vote; excluding members of the political opposition from electoral processes; restricting the ability of civil society organisations (CSOs) to operate and engage in democratic, governance, or human rights related activities; or intimidation of voters, election observers, or CSOs through threats or acts of physical violence,” the US said.

What a mouthful. In simple terms, what the US meant to say is that they will refuse visas to anyone who makes sure that their favourite candidates do not win elections.

We cannot wait for them to put sanctions on the leaders of Saudi Arabia. We don’t know anyone who undermines democracy in this country. We can only guess that the Americans are unhappy with Chamisa for making Tendai Biti angrier than usual.

Gold smuggler re-elected

There was a lot of pointless noise this week after the Zimbabwe Miners Federation announced that it had endorsed Henrietta Rushwaya, the gold smuggler, to continue as their leader.

Said one report: “At a meeting held in Harare on the 24th of November 2023, the Midlands province, led by chairperson Makumba Nyenje, moved a motion to support the presidency of Henrietta Rushwaya, and this was supported by Christine Munyoro from Mashonaland Central. Having received such recommendations, the national executive hereby fully endorses the presidency Rushwaya as ZMF president.”

Some people were shocked by this news. One wonders why. Here is an association of gold dealers and gold panners appointing an accomplished gold smuggler to lead them.

Surely, why are people shocked? Don’t football teams appoint the best football coaches to coach their teams? So what is the problem?