Muckracker: Here’s to new lies, hero rapists, thieves in power

By Muckracker | Aug. 11, 2023

Bobby Makaza has become the face of Zanu PF.

Zanu PF’s election campaign was reportedly plunged into confusion at a recent rally when one official, it is reported, spoke out against a party policy in public.

Sydney Sekeramayi is a spent force, who was once Defence Minister. He was touted once as a possible president, and now chairs something called a Zanu PF Council of Elders. Anything called a “council of elders” in a party full of elderly people must be really old. It is reported that he found himself at Zanu PF’s Uzumba rally and was asked to make a slogan.

“Pasi nembavha (down with thieves),” they say he chanted. Of course, this has created much consternation in the party, if reports from journalists are to be taken seriously. We have no reason to doubt reports of widespread shock at Sekeramayi’s unruly slogan, however.

Denouncing thieves at a Zanu PF gathering is like entering a church and loudly denouncing the Bible, or going into Mbare’s Vito Red Room and telling everyone to stop drinking beer. You will confuse people.

Super hero

Some idle people are wondering why a rapist is being paraded at Zanu PF rallies as a hero.

Bobby Makaza was jailed for raping a young girl. He served just a fraction of his prison term before he was allowed to go home under an amnesty to criminals by our owner. Prison officials insist this was all above board; he qualified for amnesty because he is over 60 years old, they say.

On his release, he was recorded giving a toothy, bearded grin and praising Mnangagwa for freeing him.

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Naturally, those in charge of Zanu PF’s campaign have decided that it is a good idea to make him a face of their President’s campaign. It is a real stroke of genius that we are sure will be studied by marketing professionals and political campaign managers the world over.

Up to now, nobody has thought that using a rapist to endorse a candidate was a bright idea.

In any case, what is the surprise here? We all know that criminals tend to stick together.

Thanks to election

Ahead of a campaign rally on Wednesday, Mnangagwa, accompanied by his deputy, made a quick stop at Parirenyatwa Hospital to do what he likes doing best - cutting some ribbons.

This time, he was showing off some hospital equipment and cars that have been bought for poor people’s hospitals. These include staff buses, ambulances, delivery trucks, and equipment for MRI scans, dental care and so forth.

Of course, noticeable among the new goods on display was a fleet of dozens of new Isuzu 4X4s. One cannot buy useless things like hospital equipment and not buy more important things like cars for chefs while at it.

We thank heavens for the elections. Suddenly, some people have discovered that we have hospitals in the country. The only hospitals some have been to are in the Far East.

We might as well hold elections every year.

Thank you, Dr Amai

There was pomp and fanfare in the streets of the country this week as it was reported that the country’s most accomplished philanthropist had been awarded a medal of honour by her husband.

Two years ago, our current owner, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, awarded a humanitarian award to our current Dr Amai, Auxillia Mnangagwa, who just happens to be his wife. She kept on doing amazing work, and now the charity that she runs, Angel of Hope Foundation, is to be given the Jairos Jiri Humanitarian Gold Award. We can only guess what further awards await us next year.

Perhaps next in line are her drivers, who are always on the road.

We thank Dr Amai for her philanthropic work in helping the poor. We also thank her husband, who continues to create more poor people in the country, so that she can be kept busy with her wonderful work.

Simple solution

Speaking of poverty, one has to commend a senior government official who has come up with a genius solution to solve unemployment among trained teachers.

Higher and Tertiary Education deputy minister Raymond Machingura, speaking at a graduation for teachers at Belvedere Teachers College, showed the sort of innovative thinking the country needs as he addressed the question of what to do with our scores of unemployed teachers.

“Unemployed teachers should start their own companies which produce stationery and other consumables used in schools or even start their own schools,” he was quoted as saying.

“If you look at it, private schools are charging exorbitant fees. So, if we have our own teachers with their own private schools, they will not be charging high fees but will be providing quality education.”

Every unemployed person around the world must be wondering why they didn’t think of this simple solution to poverty. We must send this man around the world to show off his remarkable thinking capacity.

Recalling yourself

Another person who has been doing a lot of thinking is Douglas Mwonzora, the alleged opposition leader. The man who has been recalling others, has now recalled himself.

After a lot of soul searching, which everyone is sure consisted of walking around the country and finding out that nobody takes him seriously, Mwonzora announced this week that he is withdrawing his candidacy for the August 23 election. He says he is withdrawing because the election is unfair.

“There is no doubt ladies and gentlemen that this election is not free and fair. Having seriously considered this and being a patriotic Zimbabwean I love my country. I took part in crafting of the constitution of our country. I with the concurrence of my party have withdrawn my candidature in this election,” said Mwonzora.

He must thank ZEC for their bungling, which has given him a good escape route from the humiliation that was coming. As the people of Zimbabwe, we thank him for the US$20 000 that he paid as nomination fees. It is now merely his generous donation to the State, which he has served so diligently over the past few years.

New lies

Muckraker wishes to join all of Africa in congratulating the opposition CCC for releasing its manifesto this week.

The party told supporters that, once in power, they will make a phone call to Joe Biden, telling him to stop everything he is doing and remove sanctions and tell American investors to rush to Zimbabwe. According to the party’s blueprint, our churches will have a big say in how Zimbabwe is run.

“The church shall provide a campus to government,” the party said. We are sure they meant compass, unless they meant the ZEGU university campus.

“We will rededicate Zimbabwe to God and rebuild the alter (sic), covenant, decrees and ordinances,” the party added. Within 100 days of gaining power, the nation will be overflowing with milk and honey, according to the party.

We are grateful for CCC’s promises. The country needs new lies.