THIS week, the nation was yet again gripped in widespread celebration as the masses marked the anniversary of – as the Herald would put it – the ushering in of the Second Repugnant, sorry, Second Republic.
On this day in 2017, the country replaced criminals around the old president with new ones. This marked the start of what for a while was called the New Dispensation, before people came back to their senses.
As part of the wild celebrations, The Herald, a newspaper we all know and love for always publishing cutting-edge factual information, published an article titled Voters were correct in choosing President Mnangagwa. The paper’s handlers require such regular pieces, seeing as it is easy to easily forget why anyone would vote for the man.
In the article, it is clear to any reader why it is a good idea to vote for Mnangagwa. It is not because he has some bright ideas, no. It is simply because he is not Nelson Chamisa. This article on why we should vote for Mnangagwa mentioned Chamisa a total of 13 times.
What great advertising; it is like Coca-Cola running an advert: “You know why you should drink Coca-Cola? Because it is not as bad as Pepsi”. There is some genius at work here.
Invisible progress
Speaking of our owner’s leadership, it was reported yet again that the economy is booming, even if people cannot notice it. According to a report in The Herald of absolute truth, Zimbabwe’s GDP is now at US$66 billion.
This news obviously excited Nick Mangwana, the most loved spokesperson in Zimbabwe, who posted: “So, in 2017 Zimbabwe had a GDP of US$17 billion. In 2023 it’s now US$66 billion. What an astronomical rise under the leadership of President Mnangagwa.
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288% in just six years! Leave the calculators alone, ye of little faith.”
We must ignore the maths and celebrate. In fact, just a week ago, the country’s wannabe next owner, Vice President Constantino Chiwenga, said GDP was at US$40 billion. We have now added another US$26 billion in just a week.
No doubt economists from all around the world will be heading to Zimbabwe in droves to record this economic miracle. Our neighbouring leaders will also soon be heading to Harare.
All of them are eager to see for themselves this economy that is growing so fast that its people are running away from it.
All important elections
In a few days, the people of Zimbabwe take a break from dying of cholera so that they can find time to do something more important – voting in pointless by-elections.
After recent recalls of Members of Parliament and councillors from the opposition Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC, there will be some by-elections this December.
Naturally, we are spending at least US$5 million on this critical matter, which is the exact amount of money we owe one of our neighbours in unpaid electricity bills. Zanu PF is at its best during such times. This is where they become organised.
According to Mike Bimha, the most bored Zanu PF commissar in the history of Zanu PF commissars, his party’s candidates for the election will be taken in for ideological orientation at the Chitepo School of Ideology.
“There is a need to ensure that our candidates have the appropriate ideological training,” said Bimha.
We are sure that leading candidates like Mabvuku’s Scott Sakupwanya will be on hand to deliver lectures on party ideologies, such as how to eliminate opposition votes, sometimes literally.
Strategy
It has been reported that the government has found yet another solution to the cholera crisis, beyond the usual technologically advanced tactic of digging shallow wells and cutting ribbons.
Another strategy announced this week is to make sure that all unemployed people selling their wares on the streets of Harare are cleared out.
“Government has given the Harare City Council a seven-day ultimatum to decisively deal with vendors plying their trade at non-designated spots as this is aiding the cholera outbreak,” it was announced.
After this, the government should also give itself a seven-day ultimatum to construct the Kunzvi Dam, which it has threatened to build since the comrades emerged from the bush many moons ago.
After that, the Second Repugnant should also give itself a seven-day ultimatum to deliver the two million jobs they promised so people do not have to sell rat poison and sadza on the streets of the alleged Sunshine City.
Private property
This week, some idle people were making themselves angry over nothing, after Nelson Chamisa filed a constitution for his own party in court.
According to one section of the document: “There shall be a leader and Change Champion in Chief (Adv Nelson Chamisa), who shall be the administrator and president tasked by the citizens to champion, lead and guide processes of the movement in between sessions of the CNA until an elective citizen convention is held.
“The Change Champion in Chief shall be the chief spokesperson and chief representative of the CCC as well as the custodian of its documents, property and wellbeing.”
This, of course, made a lot of people angry. They are saying a constitution should not have anyone’s name in it. Please, these people must find something else to be angry about.
Surely, what is wrong with anyone naming his own thing after himself? Do not people put their names on their kombis? Do not people put their totems on their buses? How many bottle stores are called “Zvavanjanja and Sons” in this country?
So what is new here? At no point in this country’s history has a party ever been owned by its supporters. It will always belong to the leader. Form your own party and see.
See no evil, hear no evil
The government has announced that it is angry that the Europeans that we invited to observe our alleged election came and did just that. We expected something different, for some reason. The European Union (EU) released a final report on the August election.
In the report, they said maybe it was not a good idea to hold elections in which we had stuff like people waiting outside polling stations asking people who they voted for and taking down their names.
Also, they said, it may be a good idea to obey our own laws. This, of course, made our owners angry.
According to The Herald of Alleged Truth, the government “dismissed as biased, reactionary and misleading a premeditated final report on the 2023 harmonised elections that was released by the EU yesterday.”
The EU report, apparently, was full of lies. One of the biggest lies was that the country’s favourite TV station, ZBC, is biased. We all know the station is a paragon of objectivity and fairness.
The Ministry of Information said: “Contrary to the claims of the EU EOM Report, Government continues to ensure that the national broadcaster affords all political players fair airplay as required by the law.”
News that “all political players” are allowed on our national airwaves must have come as a shock to everyone at ZBC.
Distinguished guest
The people of Namibia had a distinguished visitor this week. One of our vice Presidents, the one nobody takes seriously, was assigned to attend a regional event hosted by Unicef.
On behalf of Zimbabwe, he received the symbolic World Children's Day torch from Namibian President Hage Geingob. Said Kembo: "It is my great pleasure to receive this torch, which is a symbol of the renewal of our pledge to continue championing children's rights and to give them hope for a brighter future”.
On arrival at the airport in Windhoek, he disembarked from his hired jet to be welcomed by a troupe of rather vigorous young female dancers.
He spent quite some time enjoying their presentation.
We are certain that this was the highlight of his trip, much more than any of the boring official engagements that followed.
