Where does Muck start? It has been a startling week that showed Muck that the world is indeed coming to an end.

Who else saw an advert for a sangoma during the misfiring Warriors match against the Bafunny Bafunny on Monday? If ever there was a sign that things were really bad in this Zany-cursed country, that was it. Maybe a sangoma is what we need, everything else appears to be failing.

‘I have him in my pocket’

Things have gotten so absurd that a rogue businessman can go on record to brag about how our owner is under his grip. “Chinhu ndakachibata kuti dzvii,” (I have a tight grip on the situation), Sir Wicknell was heard saying in a recorded phone call to his cronies, talking about his grip on state tenders.

In that recording, he is urging fellow pests not to be greedy; that there is enough state money to go around and if they get US$100k now and then, they should just enjoy and know more is on the way. All they can do, he told them, is cook up some more work and money will keep flowing.

He has become our owner’s “son”, he told the cronies, and when the big man travelled overseas recently, he was the last man to be addressed, showing just how close to power he was.

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The sorry episode showed Muck just how far we have fallen as a nation, and that in a short space of time since the 2017 coup, when our gunmen decided to cut short our former owner’s lease, we are now subject to the whims of a greedy and yet a very dangerous criminal syndicate.

From the audio, we learn that Sir Wicknell has his stubby fingers in every available pie, and that when there are none in the oven, he could make phantom ones and our captured owner will make sure he gets paid.

In turn, he will share the cake around so that all the thieves on the high tables can pay school fees, pay off pesky small houses and enjoy some good whiskey.

He has gotten 10 times richer since the August 2023 elections, thanks to his tight grip on our owner, he said.

Now Muck understands what the so-called prophet Passion Java was saying during the 2023 election campaigns, when he sloganeered: “Mbavha4ED” (Thieves for ED). It is now time to pay back the thieves, it seems.

Muck does not want to think about what the payback would be for other groups Java was shouting about such as Varoyi4ED (Witches4ED) and Prostitutes4ED. 

During the visit of Kenya’s President William Ruto to officiate at this year’s Zimbabwe International Trade Fair, we were given a glimpse of just how powerful Sir Wicknell had become. Then, our owner placed the ex-convict ahead of ministers Nqobizitha Mangaliso Ndhlovu and Frederick Shava.

At other times, our owner simply showed that Sir Wicknell was ahead of the official vice-presidents in the pecking order.

Flying too close to the Sun

State apparatchiks were too flummoxed by just how quickly things have unravelled. It is not often that the emperor gets undressed in public so quickly and fatally. Clearly, the ship has no captain and the rush to contain the fallout was embarrassing, to say the least.

Zany party youths, who have been recipients of cars and cash gifts, appeared the most confused and released a laughable statement that they “will not sit and watch the name of our most revered leader being tarnished by such malcontents for their own self-aggrandisement”.

“Our President has an open-door policy which must never be abused. We have realised that Mr Wicknell Chivayo has abused his access to the leadership.”

Our owner, it seems, has an open-door policy for anyone with the means to capture him. As far as Muck can tell, Sir Wicknell’s access to our owner remains unrestricted, which means more millions for him and his ilk.

One Ndabaningi Mangwana posted this on the bewilderingly named X platform: “Icarus was warned by his father not to fly too close to the sun, as the wax that his wings were made from would melt. But fueled by the adrenaline rush of flying, Icarus failed to rein in his excitement and felt he was the man of the moment.

“He did not heed the warnings, Icarus was so intoxicated by the experience of flying and never thought he could tumble from this loft(y) height, so he flew higher and higher, getting closer and closer to the sun.

“The closer he came to the sun, the more the wax in his wings melted. He tumbled into the sea and drowned.”

Phantom AI at work!

Icarus, it seemed, got the message and quickly released an over 1 000-word statement to deny that he has a vice-like grip on our owner. Yes, that’s many words to deny the obvious.

“I categorically refute, deny and dismiss with contempt, recording the voice messages in question. For the avoidance of any doubt, I have never, at any material time, recorded the alleged voice messages, neither have I transmitted such to anyone. I therefore unequivocally distance and totally dissociate myself from these unauthentic voice messages,” Icarus said.

“I have reason to believe that these recordings were generated through sophisticated technology, all with the fraudulent intention of creating false alarm and despondency.”

Blame it on phantom artificial intelligence (AI), he said.

Just how stupid does Icarus think Zimbabweans are? For a man with so much money, he has poor communication skills, or simply does not have anyone to handle his public image. And it is reflecting on his behaviour and how he has exposed his supposed godfather to ridicule.

The last time a leader has looked so shamelessly corrupt was Jacob Zuma. The South African former leader was, to all intents and purposes, under the grip of the Gupta brothers, who were not afraid to show it.

Icarus vainly tried to play to the gallery: “The fake voice messages, coupled with previously circulated fraudulent documents on the same subject, are cluttered with political innuendos and undertones. The shadowy intention of these despicable claims is to discredit and soil the image of His Excellency, President ED Mnangagwa, the First Family and the legitimacy of the Second Republic after its resounding victory in the August 2023 harmonised elections.”

Too late Icarus, the horse has long bolted. Our owner and his family, it seems, do not need AI to soil their image, their conduct has been despicable enough since they took over the State House.

As for the legitimacy of the Second Republic, it has been in question from day one, Muck dares say.

One big mouth too many

Our owner’s faux pax in Russia was bad enough, but the response by his mouthpiece showed Muck just how deep the stupidity runs in that communications department.

One George Charamba wrote on X: “We’ve tolerated nonsense long enough. The wise will look at the Russia-Ukraine conflict & extract valuable lessons before it’s too late. We have been great neighbours, but as things change we will adjust accordingly for the sake of territorial integrity & national interest.”

Seriously? It is now so grating to the alleged Second Republic that Zambia is following democratic norms to the extent that some countries in the West prefer to work with them, that we resort to the sort of threats last heard when Russia was trying to cook up an excuse to invade Ukraine?

Is Charamba threatening an invasion of Zambia by Zimbabwe? His warnings about potential instability between Zimbabwe and Zambia show a man desperate to cover up for the fact that his boss messed up big time.

Zimbabwe is assuming the chairmanship of the regional bloc, Sadc, in August this year at a summit in Harare. Interesting times ahead.