Zanu PF has announced that it will not be issuing a new set of lies in this election. There will be no manifesto, according to Justice Minister Ziyambi Ziyambi.

 “In the past, we used to concentrate on writing beautiful manifestos. In 2018, our President said let’s start writing our manifesto now by our deeds,” Ziyambi said.

We are sure these “deeds” include sky-high inflation, theft, and general degradation.

He went on: “So, Zanu PF is not producing any document; we are talking of the deeds, and we are saying this is a man of action (President Mnangagwa) who is saying ‘let’s go on and do it ourselves as Zimbabweans’.”

To translate this Zanu language, what Ziyambi is saying is that either his party has grown tired of its own lies, or it believes that the lies it told in the 2018 manifesto are still strong enough to last another 5 years.

Prophet Kasukuwere?

Keep Reading

Speaking of manifestos, a bored Muckraker dedicated time this week to reading Saviour Kasukuwere’s manifesto. As one expects, it promises heaven on earth. It has many entertaining parts, including the part where he promises to fight corruption, which conjures up rather disturbing images of “Tyson” punching himself in the face.

He also promises modern urban planning, saying: “Corruption has also led to poor urban planning leading to settlements in sensitive ecological zones.”

Good to see that Kasukuwere is now an advocate of urban planning. The last we remember, he was being publicly questioned by the fossil he used to work for after he doled out land to a false prophet, hopefully in exchange for something more valuable than a few bottles of anointing oil.

We are happy to hear that, during his time in exile, the man has taken time to turn himself into a prophet of urban planning.

On right path

It was a delight to see one David Mnangagwa, a son of the country’s current owner and a Zanu PF candidate in the Midlands, campaigning for daddy recently.

Speaking at a forum where political leaders took turns to lie to young people, the young man told the youths: “Do not be pranked to elect leaders who just have a thirst and hunger for power but offer no real solutions.”

Clearly, the young man is trying to get himself in trouble with his parents. Someone needs to have a talk with him. We need discipline.

He went on, telling the meeting that “Zimbabwe is the fastest-growing economy in the region.”

With such an ability to tell open fibs, clearly, the young chap is on his way to the top.

Joker

President Emmerson Mnangagwa has been busy entertaining his supporters, asking them to renounce things that we all know they hold dear – such as violence and general thuggery.

“We want peace, we promote peace, and the people of Zimbabwe are humble and loving,” said the man, speaking to people who know for sure that Zanu PF does not promote peace, is far from humble, and is certainly not loving.

We are sure that Zanu PF supporters burst out laughing, knowing that their leader is a known practitioner of humour and comedy.

He had more humour for them, saying: “We won’t tolerate mischief from all those who are bent on causing violence.” Of course, the laughter got worse. They really love his jokes.

Clean up

Our deputy owner was also part of the travelling circus. He was not to be left out, taking the show on the road to Harare South, promising the impoverished community that all will be well after August. 

At a rally, Vice President Constantino Chiwenga told voters that his government is ready to clean up all the mistakes caused by the Western-sponsored opposition people who are running our towns and cities.

According to The Herald, a newspaper you can always trust to tell nothing but the truth, Chiwenga told the rally: “Zanu PF will put in place measures to clean the rot in towns and cities brought about by incompetent opposition councillors who have been in charge of urban councils since 2000, Vice President Dr Constantino Chiwenga has said.

We are sure that, on hearing this, some foreign-sponsored agent in the crown of the unwashed masses started asking silly questions.

For example; it is good news that Zanu PF wants to clean up the mess caused in the cities since 2000. We wonder, though, who would be left to clean up the mess left all over the country by Zanu PF since 1980.

But anyone asking such unpatriotic questions may need reorientation in a nearby bush.

Fast learner

We are happy that political parties and their supporters are focusing on the most important thing in this election – who has the biggest number of people at rallies.

Recently, we were told that a total of 124 000 people had turned up at Chonurumba High School in Zaka to hear our owner promise them prosperity around 2030 or so. We are also told that there were 60 000 people at Zanu PF’s Chipinge rally and 70 000 in Bulilima.

According to the “Herald Election Desk”, a special Herald unit created to lie more than the usual Herald: “As the ruling party basks in its glory, analysts try to figure out how one party can be so magnetic, while the opposition is in sixes and sevens.”

The CCC is not to be outdone. One party affiliate posted that over 75 000 people had converged at Mkoba stadium to hear their leader speak. It is good to see that the opposition is learning the skills of leadership so quickly.

No TV

What is this noise that we hear from Western-sponsored elements that they also want to appear on our patriotic television station?

The CCC is complaining that they are not being covered by ZBC, the best television station south of the equator. Yet, Deputy Minister of Alleged Information, Kindness Paradza, told diplomats and observers that ZBC reporters have been chasing after CCC officials, to no avail.

Paradza said: “Our national broadcaster, the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation, has enough personnel to cover the elections. We have studio programmes for all political parties to take advantage of during these elections.”

In response, the CCC made a silly challenge. To show impartiality, ZBC must cover their owner, Nelson Chamisa, just as they also cover the Zanu PF owner.

“We further challenge the ZBC to afford our presidential candidate, Advocate Nelson Chamisa, the opportunity, on a live and unfettered platform, to present his message of hope to the nation, in the same way in which it provides live, wall-to-wall coverage of Mr Mnangagwa,” said the CCC.

This cannot be allowed. If that were to ever happen, the nation would go without electricity for the whole day.

Shocking

Speaking of Dead BC, the broadcaster found spare time from covering Zanu PF rallies to tell the nation that is not true that it favours Zanu PF in its coverage.

According to a statement by ZBC: “It is also important to note that the ZBC is independent and has a competent editorial team that understands what to publish and how to publish it.

Even an election season doesn’t take away this editorial independence that is provided for by the Constitution of Zimbabwe.

The Supreme law of the land thus gives the ZBC editorial independence to decide what and how to publish…”

It must have come as a shock to ZBC reporters and editors that their managers are competent, or that they have any minds of their own at all.

Surely, anyone who is competent or independent would not stay long in any management position at ZBC.

It is not allowed.