ZIMBABWE, known far and wide for its record of holding the cleanest elections in the world, is naturally a magnet for countries that are trying to learn a lesson or two about polls.
This week, it was reported in the Herald of Absolute Truth that a delegation from Botswana’s Independent Electoral Commission is in Zimbabwe on a “benchmarking exercise with the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec)”. In less boring words, the Batswana team was here to learn how to run elections properly.
“Despite aspersions cast by some election observers on Zimbabwe’s elections, the visits are an endorsement of professionalism, characteristic of Zec’s electoral management, especially in the conduct of credible elections,” Utloile Silaigwana, the man in charge of running elections, said, barely able to hide his excitement.
We welcome our guests. Of course, those who are literate will remember that, in Botswana’s last election in 2019, the opposition went to court claiming that they had been cheated. Of course, their squeals were dismissed.
As Botswana prepares for its next elections this year, there is no doubt that these amateurs need Zec’s expertise to make sure they leave no evidence behind for anyone to take to court.
Sharing expertise
Speaking of sharing our globally renowned expertise with the world, our current owner was this week attending the World Governments Summit in Dubai.
Naturally, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, as he does at all the many international fora that scrambles to invite him, told his spellbound audience about how to govern properly.
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For example, he told them that the country was now food secure. That, a week earlier, a report co-authored by his own government had spoken of 2,7 million people in need of food aid is something only sellouts will bring up.
According to the internet, the World Governments Summit “explores the agenda of the next generation of governments, focusing on harnessing innovation and technology to solve universal challenges facing humanity”.
We all know that our leader is all about thinking about the next generation, even when he likes to destroy it as a hobby. We are also aware that his government is all about innovation and technology. That it does not even have a working website is neither here nor there.
Dumbstruck
Still in glitzy Dubai, we hear our owner was massively impressed to hear that the place has a functional police force.
According to the Herald, a newspaper anyone should rely on for cutting-edge news, the President toured the Police General Headquarters of Dubai. He was, we are told, “charmed by artificial intelligence systems that assign police patrols across Dubai without human intervention”.
The paper told us that “he vowed to get his ministers working on co-operation and training opportunities”.
Gushed the President: “Absolutely everything that I saw we don’t have. We are thousands of years behind. They can look at an entire city from one room.”
Obviously, amateurs will look at this technology and think about preventing crime. For some of us who are more alert and patriotic, we are eager to transfer this technology to Zimbabwe as fast as possible. We need to monitor troublemakers planning protests. We will have all this artificial intelligence in place in no time. That our police stations don’t even have basic computers or internet is neither here nor there.
More stink
A few years ago, we were told that the country was poised to lead the way by creating a biogas plant from Pomona, the pile of waste on the northern verges of Harare, the alleged capital city.
We were told that over US$300 million was being invested and that, in no time, we would be producing up to 22MW, enough to supply electricity to a small town. Naturally, we spilled into the streets to celebrate. This week, progress was reported. Apparently, we have built a nice new sports field there.
“A delegation from Fifa will soon certify a state-of-the-art football pitch being built by Geo Pomona Waste Management (Pvt) Ltd at Pomona in Harare as part of its up-market recreation facility, with the football section set for completion in a week’s time,” it was reported.
Clearly, it is not just the rubbish that is stinking about the whole project.
Betrayal
For the past few weeks, the government has been evicting poor settlers from pieces of land in several rural areas. We are informed that the evictions are because the government is enforcing the rule of law, which up to now we had been told is an evil term only bandied about by the West and their local poodles.
The programme, it is said, is called “No to Land Barons and Illegal Settlements on Land”.
It will make thousands of people homeless. Of course, some people are pretending to be shocked. However, even Zanu PF itself will be shocked that people are shocked that it is doing what it always does — betraying those who vote for it. Sitting in their offices, chefs must be asking themselves: “Who are these fools who are still shocked that we don’t build houses and then evict people for building on their own?”
Among those pontificating about this whole thing is Saviour Kasukuwere, who was once one of those chefs.
According to one article, Kasukuwere is quoted as saying: “Unplanned settlements have cropped up everywhere and because of corruption, the situation is truly out of control.”
Muckraker would be shocked if whoever wrote that article resisted the urge to roll on the floor laughing at such comedic hypocrisy.
Gossiping spokesperson
Still on comedy, the President’s spokesperson has been indulging in his favourite pastime, engaging in hilariously off-the-mark corridor gossip.
Unless you were under a rock, you would have heard of the resignation of two opposition MPs, Fadzayi Mahere and Rusty Markham.
Now, the man in charge of the President’s information heard differently. He ranted: “How could our media miss this big story? I am informed — reliably — that both Fadzayi Mahere and Markham attended sessions of parliament after all. How did our media lose that at all?”
Well, “how could the media miss this big story”? Easy. Because one would have to be sniffing their socks after a day out in the blazing sun to forget that parliament has its order paper that registers attendance. Not even the Herald of Hilarious Truth took his bait.
Bootlicking skills
Meanwhile, Promise Mkwananzi, the intellectual equal of the President’s spokesperson and a man who claims to occupy a slightly similar role in the so-called opposition, has also been sniffing his socks.
Following Nelson Chamisa’s decision to quit the leadership of the Citizens Coalition for Change, there has been a race to prove loyalty to him. Mkwananzi took an early lead this week with this gem: “They are standing on rubble, thinking they have dribbled Chamisa, not knowing that he has already moved onto the mountaintop. Change has come to Zimbabwe. Let us celebrate. God is great and works in ways we will never ever understand. The Anointed one. The Chosen One.”
It is clear that the man has a solid future in government. Such bootlicking skills are much sought after at Munhumutapa.
But the man had competition. Another MP, Darlington Chigumbu, chimed in: “President Chamisa is at the mountain top … He is the Joshua of our time, the leader of a nation not of a tribe. The glue that unites us. The force that draws us to a sweet and a brighter future.”
If he keeps this up, he will be head-hunted by Zanu PF for his excellent skills.
