Farmers should get ready … this coming season the rains will be serious. Finally! Why not, when the country’s ancestors have finally been appeased with the installation of our Owner as Munhumutapa?
Never listen to the hogwash about El Nino, climate change and some such balderdash, this was the real reason why the ancestors have been withholding their rains … to alert the nation to its shortcomings and careless oversights. And the omission has since been righted … Zimbos now happily have Munhumutapa at the helm — no more droughts, no more worries! Even the ZiG will start firming up once again! With this, it also means the country has naturally transitioned from a poor republic to a blessed kingdom.
Who doesn’t know that kings rule until they are summonsed to join their ancestors … and the succession system is well-defined? So, let not someone pretend to be confused about this important development!
Sadly, while Muck was celebrating the installation of Munhumutapa on Munhumutapa Day, he overheard a certain killjoy that pretended to be drunk, yawning aloud that the day — September 15 — should simply be called Dambudzo Day so that people pause to reflect on what this misfit claimed to be the country’s man-made misery!
With miscreants like these, who can blame Munhumutapa — in his illimitable wisdom — for thankfully having in place an adequate piece of legislation to persecute — sorry, prosecute! — such miscreants … the dragnet Arrest (Now) and (Maybe) Investigate (Later) Act!
Ask Jameson Timba & Co!
Be warned
Muckraker got the memo. We hope “this young man, Kembo Mohadi” also got it loud and clear, too. That unless he survives a series of attempts on his life … the death roll, poisoning and being in a comma for three days, a bomb attack and much more … his dream of ever becoming the next Owner — Munhumutapa — will forever remain just a dream, and a dangerous one for that matter! Let him be warned!
Patriotic zeal
Of the whole outpouring of sycophantic birthday messages for Munhumutapa over the weekend, there is just one that made Muck feel a ting of jealous as it takes the whole cake. The one from Jenfan Muswere’s (Mis)Information ministry which described Munhumutapa as “a living parable of diligence, hard work, virtue and honour”.
The message went on to attribute the Owner’s vision for Zimbabwe’s future to his patriotic zeal: “The vision of an upper middle-class economy by 2030 finds safety in the palms of his patriotic zeal for a better Zimbabwe.”
Who can be so unfair as to fault Muck for succumbing to a brief paroxysm of jealous?
The birthday-boy himself was humble as usual: “I don’t count my age; others count them for me … and I feel very young and very strong. What I was doing 10 years ago, I still do today. Some of you have your age in your mind, but not with me,” he said. Muck also picked this memo!
Perennial survivor
As Muckraker waits for his own turn to the iconic Precabe Farm on the outskirts of Kwekwe to learn the best agronomic practices from the very best — we are happy that our entire cabinet has gone through it and is now fully equipped to deliver — he has been doing his patriotic duty of trying to assign the blame for the latest attempt on our Owner’s life.
That hard landing of one of our Owner’s choppers at the weekend was certainly one more attempt by his many detractors. It is just a question of investigating who was responsible this time around, and dealing with them in the most befitting manner.
Thankfully, in Munhumutapa, we have a perennial survivor … talk of the proverbial cat with nine lives!
Dangers of reading
Muck might soon stop reading altogether because reading is becoming dangerous to his sense of patriotism. While reading at the weekend, he came across something curious.
Kagame said in 1994 that he “had no desire for a political career after the war”, and in 2010 that it would be a failure if he found no one to replace him at the end of his second term.
Like in the past, in early 2023, he was initially nonchalant, waiting for the “people’s will” to express itself. He again stated “his desire to step down and hand over power to a new leader”, even announcing that “a succession plan is currently under active discussion within the ruling party”, and calling his retirement an “inevitability”.
By September, he had no choice but to be “pleased” to allow himself to be forced to stand again: “I am pleased with the confidence that Rwandans have shown in me. I will always serve them whenever I can.”
Just before the election, he recalled that “it was not his choice to become president in the first place, but the people requested and pressed him to assume office”. Actually, poor Kagame is looking forward to be a journalist upon release from slavery!
Muck also knows someone who looks forward to be a full-time farmer in Kwekwe in the (unlikely) event that he regains his dear freedom!
Mortuary of lies
Some jealousy morons want the Owners of the country to investigate Cde George Guvamatanga, the country’s trustworthy purse-keeper, over the few houses that he has blessed himself with across the Limpopo.
If only people could invest just half the energies that they put into prying into the private lives of other people, this country would be rich beyond the dream of Croesus! Yet they can’t do that. They are also claiming tenders for the supply of material for our last election were inflated by as much as 30 000%!
What a mortuary of lies!
These people need to be exorcised of the spirit of witchcraft that is afflicting them. They have even tried to have Sir Wicknell’s business ingenuity investigated. Silly people. If this is allowed to go unchecked, very soon they may also want the hard work at Precabe Farm investigated! Nxaa!
Ungrateful
When they ought to be commiserating with the poor wife of our Owner-in-Waiting, who lost over US$1 million to some really daring conmen, ungrateful Zimbos are instead daringly demanding to know where she got “that much”, herself a “mere” colonel in an army that they claim can no longer even afford uniforms for its soldiers.
While it is understandable that even such small amounts may actually cause despondency within the rank and file of the armies of some poor countries, thankfully just US$1 million is really nothing by the middle-income economy standards that this country is on the cusp of attaining, thanks to the wondrous economic policies of the Second Republic!
Self-qualified
Muck is waiting for an invitation to the graduation party of Cde Dexter Nduna, otherwise the temptation to invite himself is beyond control. Who wouldn’t want to rub shoulders with a brother with such good fortune (hoping it rubs off to them)?
Remember he is the guy who lost an election, but went on to be declared winner and nothing was ever done to reverse the injustice? This time around, the chap tried his magic on law at the University of Zimbabwe and he flunked. After unsuccessfully demanding a remark, alleging he was targeted due to his political affiliation, he went on to qualify himself!
Anyway, there is nothing really outlandish about what Cde Nduna has done. Isn’t it par for the course now? If anything he should be commended for dutifully following the footsteps of the Owners of this country, vene, an impressive majority of who are self-qualified.
Did not one DJ Biscuit go on to become a whole health minister under the pseudonym “Dr Obadiah Moyo” on the strength of a string of self-awarded medical qualifications?