Messages of congratulations are pouring in from all around the world after Zanu PF won a two-thirds majority in the National Assembly following a hard-fought election against nobody.

By-elections last week saw the reeling party allegedly winning six extra seats in the lower House of parliament. Of course, Zanu PF is delighted.

Mike Bimha, the most bored Zanu PF commissar in living memory, said the party had won because “we have done well with the economy”.

“There are things that people can touch, which demonstrates performance,” Bimha said. He was most likely referring to things like worthless bank notes.

He went on saying by-election voters chose Zanu PF because “we are one of the fastest growing economies in the region and that in itself is a manifestation of a performance-focused Zanu PF government”.

Some of these people will soon develop ulcers if they carry on swallowing their own acidic fibs at this rate.

Celebrating majority

Following Zanu PF’s massive win against itself, the party’s director of misinformation, David Marapira, was quoted as saying his party would use its super-majority responsibly.

He said: “We assure (the public) that they are safe in their trust of Zanu PF, and they will not regret this decision of trusting in policies of President Mnangagwa.”

We are sure that Zanu PF is the most trusted organisation in the country. We all know that when they had a two-thirds majority, they used it to build the economy and enact legislation that makes the country look good. Besides, nobody would even think of regretting putting their trust in the President. His performance has been nothing but stellar. He never gives false promises.

As for the election victory, one was reminded of Sasha Baron Cohen’s character, General Aladeen, in The Dictator. The man decided to hold his own Olympics. He ran in the 100m dash, by firing the starting gun himself — when he was conveniently already halfway down the stretch.

He then shot all the other runners. He went on to win a world record 14 gold medals. There was much celebrating across his kingdom. What a leader.

Commiserating with Chris

The nation came together to commiserate with Cde Chris Mutsvangwa, the owner of the liberation struggle. He was fired from his job, which entailed sitting around the office all day and posting on Facebook about China. Bored by it all, he decided, reportedly, that he wanted a busier office. He decided that the one of spying on Zimbabweans was a good fit.

One report said Chris was sacked after he allegedly went to the country’s owner to demand that he be appointed State Security minister. Naturally, the President decided that it would not be very clever to give the job of spying to someone who cannot keep his mouth shut. All our spying efforts would end up in WhatsApp groups, being whispered in the corridors, and even posted on Facebook alongside pictures of holidays in America.

So, instead of being promoted, Cde Chris found himself out of a job. Now he can concentrate on his other job: being the Zanu PF mouthpiece.

He is doing well on that front; this week, he released a statement on the death of Namibian President Hage Geingob, in which he managed to make the condolence message about himself. A true professional.

The snoozefests resume

Cabinet resumed its weekly snoozefests this week, and the President gathered his ministers to give them shocking news — he expects them to perform.

This must have come as news to them. Since when do ministers get fired for poor performance?

Mnangagwa also told his people to remove bureaucracy and that “seamless processes should be nurtured” in government departments. But, Mr President, if we allow things to be efficient, where would we eat?

According to Mnangagwa, there was also an “unbecoming trend” of cabinet ministers bunking meetings and neglecting their work.

“This must stop forthwith,” the man said.

We can only assume his ministers, like any self-respecting civil servant, have been moonlighting for extra income, selling eggs and live chickens in the office during work hours to supplement their income.

Zec praise singers

In the alleged parliament, Zanu PF officials were busy with critical issues of the day — praising the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission for a job well done in last year’s elections.

Mberengwa North MP, Tafanana Zhou, said: “These elections were free, fair and there was no violence before, during and after the elections. All of us, for the first time, agreed with the outcome of the elections, which meant that Zec did very well and no one petitioned the court in coming up with or challenging the manner in which Zec had done its job.”

Clearly, months later, Zanu PF is still trying to convince itself that it won. There was more Zec praise from the MPs.

“To hold an election on time and under budget, using, furthermore, a currency experiencing some volatility, is a testament to the ability of professionalism of the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission,” said Edson Zvobgo Junior, MP for Masvingo Central, showing yet again that sometimes apples do fall far from trees.

Whose corruption?

It is always good to see that the country does not tolerate corruption.

The Zimbabwe Allegedly Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc) announced this week: “A Beitbridge couple with assets worth close to US$2 000 000 has been ordered to explain how they obtained five vehicles and eight properties in the medium and low-density areas of Beitbridge and Norton. The Unexplained Wealth Order was granted by Justice Benjamin Chikowero.”

That is right. We do not tolerate any form of corruption, especially when it is committed by unknown, ordinary members of the public. When we see anyone spending money and they have no explanation as to their wealth, we will move in.

Unless, of course, that person is a portly gent who gets government tenders, eats the money, and then spends piles of dollars buying cars for dozens of people, which he says he is doing in the ruining party’s name.

For such people, Zacc suddenly becomes visually impaired.

CCC comedy show

As a big fan of blood sports like MMA and cryptic puzzles, Muckraker is keenly entertained by the goings-on in the opposition. It is so entertaining that nobody actually knows what is going on, including those who are involved.

Unless you were in a coma, you will know that Nelson Chamisa recently quit his party, the Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC). The power-hungry lot he left behind is, strangely, refusing to take power. In the void, there is a comedy show, free of charge like that street theatre stuff they used to do in Harare’s CBD.

Promise Mkwananzi, who has assumed the roles of president of CCC and spokesperson, depending on the weather, has been providing the best entertainment. In a post this week, he told anyone who cared to listen that Chamisa had promised him a ministerial post.

“He (Chamisa) stated that he had expected more from me and that I was one of the people he had earmarked for ministerial role,” Mkwananzi told us, unprompted.

One wonders what position that would have been. For some of us, the last we heard of Mkwananzi before he reappeared was after an internal audit at Tajamuka, the activists’ group. The memory is fuzzy, but Muckraker remembers the audit report mentioning something about missing funds and the purchase of a Subaru.

Zambia’s cholera

Our neighbours up north are learning fast. Some of us naively assumed some angels had taken over Zambia. Now, as the economy underperforms and cholera takes its toll, President Hakainde Hichilema’s government has told their people the source of the problem.

According to a news report: “Local Government and Rural Development minister Gary Nkombo says the heightened levels of cholera this year are associated with former president Edgar Lungu and the breakdown in the rule of law during his tenure.”

We welcome Hichilema to the club of champions.