THE country’s owner returned from Saudi Arabia and Egypt this week, where he was in the news for marvelling at how well some people run their countries.
After meeting Egypt’s Abdel Fattah Al-Sisi, President Emmerson Mnangagwa was quoted in Egyptian press as saying: “The President of Zimbabwe commended the remarkable development progress he personally noted during his visit to Egypt… (he) praised the remarkable development renaissance that he witnessed and expressed his country’s aspiration to benefit from the Egyptian experiences”.
Al-Sisi also rose to power via a “military assisted transition” and tends to throw people that he does not like into jail. People in Egypt tend to disappear when they speak out against the leader. Sadly, that is where the similarities end.
Al-Sisi is a repressive despot, but at least he tends to develop his country during his spare time, unlike others that we know. Some among us prefer to work full-time on the destruction side and have no time to spare to build anything.
High wall for abductors
It was reported this week that the government will no longer allow any vehicles to move around our streets without number plates.
The Herald, known far and wide for its unquestioning and brilliant journalism, reported: “Motorists who continue driving unregistered vehicles will be arrested and have their cars impounded, including those using temporary plates, Government has warned, as the number of people driving unregistered cars rises, with some committing crimes while others speed off after accidents”.
The paper quoted a government official as saying: “To maintain order and sanity in the country, all vehicles without registration number plates will be clamped with immediate effect”.
We are sure that this does not apply to the many Zanu PF-branded vehicles we see bombing down our streets with no plates. We are also alarmed at this threat to clamp cars without number plates.
How are we supposed to continue abducting innocent people in our unregistered Fortuners if they start clamping them?
Costly T-shirt colour
Speaking of abductions, there was much celebration in the corridors of power this week after a man was abducted and killed for simply wearing the wrong colour T-shirt.
Tapfumaneyi Masaya was abducted a week ago, only to turn up dead days later. His crime? Walking around and asking people to vote for someone, who is not a gold dealer to represent them in Parliament.
His crime was so serious that three cars were sent out to kidnap him.
Following confirmation by the police that a body found was that of Masaya, folks in the highest officers broke out the champagne.
One spokesperson, known to celebrate the deaths of black Africans but mourn the passing of old Rhodesian authors, posted in sheer delight: “A party is trounced (in by-elections); its solution/response: visit the morgue to bizarrely steal all corpses in the hope of a pity-inspiring funeral”.
Of course, one more death is one more success for the Second Republic – and especially delightful to those campaigning overnight for the quick arrival of the Third Republic under the impatient wannabe next owner of the country.
Condemned
The response to the murder of Masaya has been as one would predict. There was much mourning from normal people, even those not of the opposition. But there was also the usual celebration from people, who cannot survive without seeing a bit of Zimbabwean blood.
Nick Mangwana, the permanent secretary of the Ministry of Misinformation, had a puzzling response.
He said: “The wanton killing of a human being should never be tolerated in a civilised society. The need to respect the sanctity of human life cannot be overstated. Those who commit acts of barbaric savagery for whatever cause, and in whatever name have to face their comeuppance.
“And no sane member of society should ever associate themselves with actions that demean the value we append to the human race. Not in my name. Not in your name. Such are on their own”.
Someone is clearly playing. Surely, first, he must know we are not a “civilised society”. Since when is “barbaric savagery” frowned upon?
We all know it is a qualification for leadership in his party. As for telling us that “no sane member of society” would associate themselves with political killings, he should be reminded that “no same member of society” is in charge of this country to start with.
Don’t bore us, please.
Fiction
Our state media are meant to make those leading us look good.
However, consistently, those in charge of telling these papers what to do are determined to make our leaders look clueless.
This week, one state paper reported happily: “More than one million Zimbabweans, who had left the country returned to settle home permanently during the first half of 2023. This marks a significant surge in returnees, driven mainly by the Government’s efforts to attract skilled locals back home”.
The paper went on: “Zimbabwe's economy has been growing steadily, creating new jobs and investment opportunities for skilled workers, making relocating home more attractive for Zimbabweans living abroad”.
Some unpatriotic people immediately pointed out that the paper had misinterpreted Zimstat's reports. However, the more patriotic among us are celebrating this news. All this talk that people leaving the country in droves is a lie. Our economy is booming and our airports can barely handle the number of people rushing back home.
Congratulations
Muckraker wishes to congratulate our alert police officers in Gutu. It is reported that they seized meat from opposition party supporters.
According to the Masvingo Mirror: “ZRP Gutu on Thursday allegedly impounded and destroyed an estimated 600kg of beef intended for Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) Ward 6 victory celebrations that were supposed to be addressed by party leader Nelson Chamisa.
Tens of villagers who came prepared for celebrations went back home on empty stomachs after the meat was destroyed”.
The meat was seized because it was “uninspected”, we are told. We can only assume that Zanu PF always makes sure it gets all the permits when it slaughters countless cows for its many feasts.
The only sad thing about this whole story is that, it was reported, the meat was incinerated at a local abattoir. Surely, our patriotic officers should have shared the meat among themselves to reward each other for such commendable vigilance.
It's cold out there
Our commiserations with Tendai Biti, who has been crying from the wilderness for a few months after being left out in the cold before the last alleged election. As one Sengezo Tshabangu worked overnight to destroy the CCC, many obviously idle supporters have been spreading rumours that Biti is somehow involved in the recalls. He came out to tell them otherwise. But his response was just as comical as the accusations were.
He reminded us that, after more than 20 years in Parliament, he had still wanted to be an MP. He also reminded us, that “I have my challenges and reservations about our identity, structural, strategic and procedural polity”.
He then went on to lecture these CCC ingrates about the need for “constitutionalism, the rule of law, transparency, openness and collective leadership”.
Nelson Chamisa was on hand to pack Biti’s massive ego into one small paper bag, asking: “Is there anything called collective leadership for unlike hearts and minds?”
Ouch.
Hypocrite!
Meanwhile, we wish to congratulate our northern neighbours for their continued slide towards revolutionary leadership.
In Zambia, Hakainde Hichilema’s government has been busy arresting anyone who talks too much.
This week alone, opposition activist Raphael Nakachinda was warned and cautioned over “seditious remarks”, after calling for protests. Another so-called opposition leader, Emmanuel Mwamba, was arrested for a Facebook post that complained too loudly about the president.
Zambian police said Mwamba was arrested for “a post which is likely to bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the administration of justice in Zambia”.
At least now Hichilema can join the club and stop acting like he is the firstborn child of the region.