MUCKRAKER THERE is an uproar among the people after the country’s patriotic electoral commission decided it was tired of poor candidates running for office.
The Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec) announced new fees that candidates must pay if they want the privilege of eating on behalf of the masses. If you want to be the country’s owner, also known as the president, you must pay US$20 000. If you want the chance to be paid for sleeping in a big room all day, which is the job of a Member of Parliament, you pay US$1 000. For a councillor, whose job is to grab stands and build on wetlands, you must pay US$200.
Zec spokesperson Jasper Mangwana said these fees are meant to “shut out chancers”. He is right, obviously.
We need people who are already wealthy to lead us. How can one apply for the job of stealing from the masses if they don’t already have the experience?
Berated for getting ill
This week, a video made the rounds of a South African official berating a Zimbabwean for daring to get sick in a South African hospital.
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Phophi Ramathuba, a medical doctor and Member of the Executive Committee (MEC) of the Limpopo province, roughed up a Zimbabwean in a hospital, telling them to go demand treatment from their own country’s owner, Emmerson Mnangagwa.
“You know he (Mnangagwa) doesn’t give money to me to operate you guys and I am operating you with my limited resources,” Ramathuba was heard telling the patient.
As patriots, we must send a delegation to South Africa and demand answers from our “sister party”. It is one thing being exposed in this way by our detractors, but quite another coming from our so-called allies. We shall be demanding a meeting, as soon as we are back from our fine hospitals in Beijing, Singapore and so forth.
Gift from the gods
Of course, while some were angry over Ramathuba, some were celebrating in the streets after the release of the callous video.
Some of us would have nothing to talk about if it were not for all the bad news around us. Imagine spending a day without being outraged? We would just roll over, coil up in a bundle and just die of hunger.
This is why we wake up every morning, eat and pray to the gods for giving us Zanu PF, the gift that keeps on giving. If it were not for that bunch, we would be forced to be creative. That would just expose our inadequacies and we would not want that. May Zanu PF forever continue being this generous with content.
United for more largesse
Over there in parliament, serious issues were discussed this week on the state of the crisis-riddled economy.
MPs complained that Minister without Finance Mthuli Ncube is not giving them enough money. He is starving them, the same way he is starving the unwashed masses.
“This is a serious issue. We are waiting for three to four hours for our money — we are tired,” Temba Mliswa roared. Because MPs are getting so little, they may be tempted to become corrupt, Mliswa said.
“Should all of us chair committees and be corrupt? You want us to be corrupt,” Mliswa said. Many who heard this were unaware that the man needs any invitation to ask for bribes.
For demanding more largesse for MPs, Mliswa got loud cheers from across the aisle. It is heartwarming to see Zanu PF and the opposition finally uniting on an issue.
Romantic Mohadi
Kembo Mohadi, the country’s most romantic man, was in Gokwe this week rallying support for a candidate of the reeling party ahead of by-elections there.
Naturally, all the chiefs from the area were rounded up to listen to him. He told them to tell their people to vote for poverty, one of his party’s most guaranteed promises.
Mohadi said: “Zanu PF liberated this country. Did you know that this party is yours? We want you to increase the number of people who vote Zanu PF. Did you hear we want five million votes next year? We want them to vote for Zanu PF and through you, we know we will achieve that.”
Of course, Mohadi must keep reminding chiefs which side their bread is buttered. Some of them have, lately, started asking silly questions, such as why we are not building better roads in their areas and so forth. Surely, that is a silly question. Do we not give them cars that are big enough to navigate these non-existent roads?
Incredible Nick
Every single day brings fresh news of yet another massive achievement by the so-called New Dispensation.
Recently, it was the turn of Binga to benefit from the dizzying pace of development happening in the country under our efficient leader. There was good news for the people of Binga from Nick Mangwana, the spokesperson who does not believe a word he says.
“The construction of the Civil Registry Department (at) Binga Polytechnic College is set to open its doors to its first students in two weeks. Council has allocated land for the construction of the nursing school. A new border post has been opened. Road rehab,” he posted.
Then, in came a foreign-funded Binga community group, which responded to him: “We are in Binga Mat North, but we haven’t seen any of those things. Is there another Binga?”
Can people please allow the New Dispensation to boast about imaginary achievements in peace without all these annoying questions?
Grabbing opportunities
A few months ago, one entrepreneur by the name Lisa Mutuke was shown in the company of the country’s owner as part of a delegation of the Young Women 4 ED.
After the meeting, she spoke about how patriotic she was. She had to leave the UK to come home to take advantage of the booming economy under the New Dispensation.
“My business is not small, it is a big business. I own a company called Maropafadzo. We have over five service stations and move fuel in bulk. I have government tenders and I have not bribed anyone. I don’t have a political background, but I believed in President Mnangagwa,” she said.
Women in the UK think “opportunities are only there for the connected,” she said.
Well, recently, in the charge sheet against Justice Mayor Wadyajena, the clown prince of Nembudziya, it was reported that some money that may or may not have been taken from Cottco — obviously for safekeeping — may or may not have found itself in the accounts of Maropafadzo, Mutuke’s company.
That’s one way of grabbing opportunities — allegedly.