Muckraker is also human. He naturally cannot help it, so he is fast turning pinkish-blue with envy … how he regrets not having the foresight to single-handedly die for this country as Owner — the proverbial cat with nine lives — did. For his vision and foresight, Owner is now reaping the bounteous rewards of his (lack of) probity … almost everything in this country is now being named after him to the extent that even his many war names are now coming in handy.

In addition to Trabablas Dzokerai Mabhunu, during his many lives while dying for the country, Owner used such other noms de guerre as Skokripiko Rodriguez Dozzo, Ruka Chivende and Smart Tembo. So, after renaming more than a dozen roads and other important places in his country after himself, to break the monotony — remember he is a caring Owner! — he has since decided to reach out to his many other names.

After naming the multi-million-dollar Mbudzi Interchange the Trabablas Interchange, the Zimbos should better prime themselves for more name changes … such as Lake Chivero that could be renamed Lake Skokripiko, Mbare’s residential flats that could end up being called Smart Tembo Mansions, and the Mbudzi Cemetery that would be smarter as the Ruka Chivende Memorial Park.

With so many Zimbos feeling forever indebted for the selfless sacrifices that Owner made to make them free and happy as they are, the possibility of the country itself being named after Owner cannot be far-fetched! The Democratic Republic of Trabablas … or Skokripiko! So much about the benefits of dying for the country! It is truly an eponymous affair … a Trabablasly eponymous affair!

Should anyone therefore be allowed to feign stupidity as to pretend to fail to see Muck’s source of envy?

Meanwhile, it is never true that some churches in this country have started praying to the good Lord that He adds honour to some names, claiming that just like in the case of Jabez in the Bible, some names can not only become the sources of curses that haunt people and those around them, but the curses themselves!

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In the unlikely case that there is an iota of truth in the observation, let it be noted that Dambudzo is certainly not one of those names!

Dizzy heights

Muck has a brilliantly patriotic suggestion … having already taken Sadc to dizzy heights as we have done since we assumed the chairmanship in August last year … how about extending the term to at least three years — even to 2030! — so, that the chairman can fully achieve his transformative vision for Sadc for the benefit of all?

Muck might not be alone in thinking along these lines. Because of the excellent work we have done, some might even be considering making us permanent chair … ending this rotational nonsense that is so disruptive to real progress and development.

The Boko boy next door, who seems to be full of admiration for our own ingenuity, should be ready to second this brilliant idea. A few Ankole cattle should do the trick!

As Sadc chair, Muck is too pleased that the (captured) Constitutional Court in Mozambique has since dismissed baseless claims that Zimbos voted in that country’s election and confirmed our Chapo boy as the runaway victor. We are ready to go for the inauguration, come what may… booing or no booing. There is no truth in similarly baseless claims that we did not attend the inauguration in Ghana in person this week because we feared being booed. We are beyond any fear now … thick-skinned, we have become … proudly!

Stealing and killing

So Cde Supa wants Cambridge exam fees taxed?! All Muck can say is that we have an oversupply of satanists on these shores.

A satanist doesn’t necessarily need to have horns, tails and a burning fork in hand, no. Most of them appear perfectly like you and me, yet still sharing in the very attributes of Satan ... stealing, killing and destruction. Some people are born satanists, some are forcibly initiated by others yet so many of them actually volunteer to become satanists of their own volition.

Still on voluntary satanism, while Muck is of the firm conviction that life was never meant to be a popularity contest, the levels of unpopularity to which Muck and others propel themselves is quite disarming.

Unenviable Joji

Muck was tempted to envy Cde Joji’s (remember, “Iwe Joji!”) unpopularity among Zimbos. The way Zimbos celebrated Cde Joji’s purported dismissal or redundancy was something else … it is only comparable to that of angels in Heaven when Satan was defeated and thrown down to earth!

All things being equal, in such cases, a normal person should introspect to establish why they are so unpopular … in Cde Joji’s case, it certainly has nothing to do with him being British-trained. Thankfully not all things are equal and normalcy went on a long journey.

Cde Rip van Winkle

Cde Clive Malunga of the Nesango noise has finally just realised that something is wrong in this country … or is it with this country? As a result, with all the noise he can muster, Cde Malunga is trying to tell Zimbos and Muck these very basic of facts that they have put up with for well over three decades now. Ever heard of Cde Rip van Winkle? That henpecked little chap who slept for 20 years and when he eventually woke up everything had changed.

Anyway, as they say, a bitch’s puppies do not open their eyes on the same day. We should be at least happy that he finally has his eyes wide open … many who were like him died without having them opened to the harsh reality that is the fraud that is called independence in this country!

Meanwhile, as Cde Malunga keeps on ranting and raving about his newly realised flagrant failures of Owner, someone whispered into Muck’s ever attentive ear that, all their other grievous shortcomings notwithstanding, one thing that Owner and his goons are very good at is remembering.

Now, the fear is that very soon Owner might be tempted to remember the murder docket of that case in which the waffling Cde’s teenage son was found dead in his bedroom the morning after thorough disciplining. It’s not called the system for nothing!
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