THIS week, the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec), the world’s most credible election management body, was sent to Russia to observe the alleged elections there. We were all delighted to see Justice Priscilla Chigumba leading a delegation of renowned election experts to teach the Russians how to run elections.
After carefully observing the election, the mission, naturally, released a detailed report: “The general atmosphere was very conducive for elections. The mood was relaxed and cheerful as people were exercising their right to vote. This is a clear sign of a mature democracy in which elections are not perceived as a life and death activity”.
It was a shock to hear Zec saying elections are not a “life and death activity”. Back home, is it even an election if someone has not been bashed on the head? Of course, talk that a so-called Russian opposition leader, Axei Navlany, had conveniently found a way to die while in jail, before the election, is neither here nor there.
The Zec report ended with a declaration on the Russian election: “Therefore, we declare the election free, fair and credible”.
This is all we expect from observer missions. We don’t want time-wasters like that loud pastor from Zambia.
Congratulations!
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Still in Russia, owners of other countries are lining up to congratulate Vladimir Putin on his massive win.
Results posted showed that Putin won a record post-Soviet landslide in Russia’s presidential election, garnering 87,8% of the vote. How did he achieve this, with all the Western propaganda against him?
Well, he learned well from his forebears.
One Lenin once said: “The best way to control the opposition is to lead it ourselves.” This is why we will stand and win in a thumping victory against the likes of Songezo Tshabangu in 2028.
Of course, when there is a big win, there will be noisemakers.
“This is not what free and fair elections look like,” thundered David Cameron of Britain, as if he is part of a government that knows what free and fair elections look like. Last time we checked, nobody voted for his government in any election.
We can only hope that our leaders take strong lessons on democracy and winning elections. A margin of 87,8% is the least we ask for. Who can forget Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov of Turkmenistan winning with 97% or our own Paul Kagame’s thundering 99% win? This business of our leaders scrapping through with just over 50% of the vote must end forthwith.
High achiever
Back home, it was recently award time for our best performing ministers. Our current owner took time off from his busy work of driving the country back to the stone age – a rather involving task – to award some of the people doing this work with him. We are told that the Minister of Agriculture, Anxious Masuka came first, obviously awarded for being prepared for the drought. He did this through various activities. These included making sure that the Grain Marketing Board has empty spaces in its granaries as possible, and seeing to it that the country’s biggest in-land dam, Tugwi-Mukosi, is full of water and lying idle in the middle of a drought.
What an achiever.
The next best Minister was Amon Murwira, the Higher Education minister, a man who thinks he is the smartest academic in any room that he walks into. We hear that some university lecturers have not been going to work. Some departments are so short of lecturers that they have had to shut down, some silly people keep telling us.
However, being a patriot, Muck wishes to inform everyone that these lecturers are not attending work only because they are busy out there in the streets celebrating their minister’s massive award. They are grateful to serve under him.
Finally, Mudha rewarded
Still on the awards, there are obviously big parties going on in the Midlands after the resident minister, Owen Ncube, was awarded the best provincial minister.
Remember, President Mnangagwa fired Ncube in January 2022 for “conduct unbefitting a minister”. This was after the man had allegedly sent in thugs to rough people up at a Zanu PF provincial meeting. We were all shocked that he was fired for violence, when the natural thing to do was to promote him. We are grateful that Mnangagwa has finally done the right thing and rewarded him for such adherence to party ideology.
Besides, the man was in the news recently for good deeds. He wrote to a company to ask them nicely to employ one Trevor Chidende in its IT department.
He wrote: “I have no doubt that once equipped with the knowledge and skills from your institution, he will contribute immensely to the development of our nation”. Don’t we all love a minister who creates jobs?
US$20 rise
Talking of jobs, the entire workforce of the country is this week green with envy after it was reported that civil servants are smiling all the way to our alleged banks. We hear they received hefty increments. “United States dollar pay rise for civil servants,” screamed one headline from the Brick and Mortar stable, the home of cutting-edge journalism in all of Africa and beyond. The paper told us that the pay hike was “expected to strengthen civil servants’ purchasing power”.
While some of us were still celebrating this latest sign of an economic boom under the Second Republic, some Western-sponsored malcontents started trying to act like flies in milk. They pointed out that this thunderous pay increase was actually an increment of a whole 20 American dollars.
Some of them even threatened to go on strike to protest, as if they were even attending classes in the first place.
One alleged union group said: “Some of the grievances which came from the teachers during consultations included the incapacity to pay examination fees for children because of inadequate salaries, which is ironic for teachers who work to prepare children for examinations whilst their own children fail to sit for the same examinations.” What a lazy, ungrateful bunch these teachers are.
Fighting fire with fire
At least not all our civil servants are unpatriotic and lazy. The good news this week was the appointment of Michael Reza to the job of fighting corruption. To those who live under rocks, Reza is a well-known prosecutor, who has distinguished himself over the years by sending unpatriotic opposition people to jail, even for crimes that do not exist. That is the sort of qualification that one needs to chair the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission (Zacc). When Mnangagwa was looking for a new chairperson of Zacc, all he did was Google the man.
If you do that, you find newspaper reports with headlines such as Property developer accuses top prosecutor for taking bribes and Deputy Prosecutor General implicated in gold mine scandal.
There is even a headline that says Reza reported to Zacc. Clearly, here is a man who knows one or two things about corruption. Just the right man for the job.
Living the life
The teachers are not the only bunch of ungrateful public alleged workers.
Until recently, many people had never heard of one Sleiman Timius Kwidini. He is the Chiwundura Member of Parliament for Zanu PF and the recently appointed deputy minister of Health. He has been touring government facilities, pointing fingers and kicking doors. During one recent visit to United Bulawayo Hospitals, he lashed out at some staff, accusing them of causing the drug shortage in the hospital. “All your staff is anti-government,” Kwidini told the stunned staff.
Of course, some jealous people are wondering why he is so excitable.
Well, anyone would be this excited if they, like Kwidini, went from general nurse at Gweru Provincial Hospital to deputy minister in a few months.
The man is just living a dream.