THE nation commiserates with the masses in Chipinge, who have the national burden of hosting Zanu PF this week. It has been announced that Chipinge will host the ruining party as it launches its campaign for five more years of eating on the people’s behalf.
Zanu PF Manicaland provincial chairperson Tawanda Mukodza was quoted as saying: “We want to show the nation that we are geared for elections. I do not want to talk about the numbers but you are going to see for yourselves”.
He went on to say: “We want to have a major event. We are mobilising from every corner and ward of the province since we are the province, which is in charge of the event”.
Given that we all know what “mobilising” means to the reeling party, we apologise in advance to the good people of Chipinge and send our deepest sympathies for what they are about to face over the next few days.
Transformation
In Gokwe, there is more good news from our owners. Owen “Mudha” Ncube, who was once made security minister, most likely as a joke, reportedly ordered public servants to vote for President Emmerson Mnangagwa in the coming election.
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Why? Because, he told them, doing so would be a show of gratitude for his “outstanding leadership and unparalleled commitment” to making their lives better.
We all know that our civil servants are the most taken care of workers in the country, which is why they are leaving the country in droves to tell people from other nations how well they are treated back home.
According to Ncube: “He (Mnangagwa) is a visionary leader who has transformed Zimbabwe within a very short space of time and he is a man of action with a vision even beyond 2030”.
Who can doubt this? It is true that the man has, “within a very short space of time”, transformed Zimbabwe. It has taken him just a few years to transform Zimbabwe from a sub-10% inflation economy to hyperinflation. Within a short space of time, he has transformed the lives of his family while, according to World Bank figures, more people have slipped into extreme poverty under his wise leadership. A real man of action, if we ever saw one.
Steward
Messages of congratulations are pouring in from all around the world after Mnangagwa was honoured as a “Minister of God” by some alleged pastors this week.
According to the Herald of all things farcical, the holy anointing was bestowed upon our leader by the Pastors for ED outfit.
According to the paper, members of the group, “phones in hand, started taking photographs, freezing moments with the country’s leader, who has kept his door ever open for dialogue and engagements with all groups, both the haves and have-nots”.
One so-called bishop, Never Pavari of the Zimbabwe Union Council of Churches told the gathering that Zimbabwe “is in safe hands under the leadership of President Mnangagwa for leaders are ordained in the scriptures”.
“You have the stewardship of the people of Zimbabwe in your hands,” the bishop said. “We will support and continue to pray for you because we know you deliver.”
We now await to hear what holy title is bestowed upon the country’s newest holy man. We suggest that the Archbishop of Fearmongering, Destruction and Failure has a nice ring to it.
No vision
Speaking of our owner, the man returned to Zimbabwe this week to embark on his latest tour of the country. He was making a brief stop in Zimbabwe after blessing the people of Ghana with his presence during the week.
He was there to attend the 30th Annual Meetings of Afreximbank. The event, we were told, was running under the theme "delivering the Vision, Building Prosperity for Africans".
We thank the organisers for calling our leader to give his expert opinion on this theme. The whole of Africa must have been waiting to hear from him on what it is like to have no vision whatsoever. We are sure he also gave a well-attended lecture on what not to do if you want to “build prosperity”.
He is well-versed in this area.
Please leave!
Still at the Afreximbank meetings, also there dispensing his wisdom was our very own John Mangudya, the continent’s favourite example of what not to do when you are a central bank governor.
Sadly, for everyone in the country, and for all lovers of economic comedy around the world, Mangudya’s term of office comes to an end in 2024. He has already begun planning for a life after his current job.
In an interview with Bloomberg, he said he would want to be an advisor when he retires.
“I will sit down and think of how to maximise the use of my energies and do new things for the welfare of Zimbabwe,” he said.
Rest assured, Dr Mangudya. As soon as you retire, the nation would be happy if you do not “maximise your energies” at all on anything to do with our welfare. We are sure you have done more than enough.
Expensive democracy
There was much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth among democrats this week, after some among us decided to practice democracy.
In Harare East, the opposition Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) held meetings to decide who to send to the feeding trough for the next five years. After the party’s grassroots members decided that they want one “Rusty” Markham, ditching Tendai Biti, there was an uproar.
How dare these unwashed lumpen elements choose this bearded ruffian over the country’s best Finance Minister, whose claim to fame is boasting of having US$217 in the national coffers?
Why did Nelson Chamisa, the owner of the party, not intervene and tell these people to stop this nonsense of voting for the leaders they want?
Acres of digital space were dedicated to whining and whingeing, with Biti’s supporters acting as if the world had just ended.
Who needs this democracy thing anyway? It is so inconvenient.
Chance to eat
Congratulations are in order to all candidates who managed to file nomination papers earlier this week, allowing them to compete for spots at the national feeding trough.
Throughout the country, we saw thousands of people gathering at various centres with their papers, waiting for a chance to eat.
Most amusing, obviously, were the people at the High Court, where the Presidential nominations were being accepted.
Massively popular politicians, among them Lovemore Madhuku and one Trust Chikohora, filed their papers. If
people have money to waste, who are we to intervene? It was heartwarming to see one Linda Masarira rustling up every Zimbabwe dollar she could find so that she could pay the nomination fee.
Long live POLAD and all its attractive perks.
Simple things
Over there in the United States of America, events happened there that have left some of us wondering. It was reported that Hunter Biden, the son of that country’s current alleged owner, who has been ducking and diving the law, reached a deal with prosecutors.
Hunter Biden pleaded guilty to tax offences and some other charges of illegally possessing a firearm as a drug user, or whatever they call it over there. That country has too many words for simple things.
News that anyone can even think of questioning the son of the country’s owner over small things like criminal activity is laughable to some of us.
Surely, what sort of madness would possess a civil servant to leave their house to interrogate the “First Son”? In some countries, they call it accountability. Where we come from, we call it suicide.