THE nation is in shock after no large crowds were mobilised to meet our owner as he returned from a triumphant visit to the mud island that used to own us last weekend.
President Emmerson Mnangagwa, on the invitation of the British, was in London to witness the coronation of King Charles III, or, as a ZBC news reader kept calling him this week, King Charles Three.
We are grateful for the stellar coverage the whole affair got from the Herald, the national paper of record which is known all over the world for truth-telling. The paper was on hand to remind us of the time our owner saved Charles from being blown to bits by a Rhodesian roadside bomb on the eve of our Independence.
“It is a unique coronation and indeed a wonder to the world, as King Charles meets his saviour,” Herald’s Masimba Mavaza wrote. “Who bows to who is the question.”
It was, therefore, disappointing, that Charles did not grovel at the feet of our President and show his gratitude, choosing instead to get on with the less important matter of being crowned king of all British people and the “realm” that they still rule. How ungrateful.
Garrulous Zimbabweans
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Zimbabweans, being the most idle people in Africa, naturally spent the whole weekend with their noses to their phone screens following the whole coronation and looking for points to score against each other.
The Zanu PF lot in one corner was trying to tell us that their “engagement and re-engagement was working”. Evidence of this was that our owner met one Tony Blair, who, we take it, is no longer a Blair toilet as we were all once made to sing.
On the other hand, were those who, for no reason whatsoever, seem not like Mnangagwa much. They celebrated that he did not meet the king, like other good boy leaders, that he didn’t appear in a picture of Commonwealth leaders, and that he was made to sit in the rear seats at Charles’ party.
“It just shows he was snubbed because of his human rights record,” said one prominent internet human.
This, of course, means that King Mswati III of Eswatini, who got a front-row seat, is one of the most democratic leaders on the continent.
Clueless spin doctors
One of the best jobs in the country is being a government propagandist, and we got new reminders this week.
On his return home, Mnangagwa immediately set about doing the so-called “reforms” that the West and its stooges keep demanding from him. Among the reforms these people are demanding is that the government must be serious about fighting corruption.
A circular went around making it illegal for anyone to count the number of ambulances and cancer machines we have in the country. It would be illegal for anyone to ask us where we buy things, from whom and for how much. Of course, some people were outraged.
Our government spokesperson, Nick Mangwana, came out to defend the notice, saying: “The idea is to disentangle purchases of emergency medical supplies or critical equipment repairs from the long-drawn procurement process.”
George Charamba referred to our procurement laws. Sadly, some smart aleck decided to spoil the fun. Minutes after they tried to spin it, we were told that, in fact, this was a “null document”.
It must be very entertaining being a spokesperson for a government that has no idea about what it is doing. Anyway, what is certain is someone in government is working on a law to make it legal for patriots to Drax in peace.
Detractors
Unpatriotic and unscrupulous businesses are at it again, raising their prices for no reason. Thankfully, our cabinet announced that it has a strategy to deal with such wanton unscrupulousness.
Steps are being taken. It was announced this week: “Given the urgency of the matter, cabinet has set up a committee to quickly investigate, monitor and make appropriate recommendations to cabinet with a view to bringing sanity to the situation.”
It was further announced: “Cabinet wishes to assure the nation that corrective measures will be taken in order to protect the transacting public.”
Some detractors, obviously, want to tell us that the price hikes are because the government has caused inflation by printing too much money, mismanaging the forex auction, and eroding confidence in the Zimbabwe dollar over the past two years. Anyone who says this is Western-sponsored and a failed economist.
We all know the real reason is that someone wants prices to rise so that people are angry at our government ahead of elections. Someone is paying businesses to increase prices, so that people do not go into their shops. Any economist that does not say this must be banished to Chikurubi, together with any unpatriotic businessperson that refuses to sell at a loss.
Mthuli’s promise
The nation is happy that cabinet at least discussed the issue of inflation. We can only assume that Mthuli Ncube was front and centre of the discussions, seeing as we are told that the discussions were held “at length”.
Muckraker is old enough to remember a time in October 2018, when, a month into office, Mthuli told us that it would not take long to turn around the ship.
“I have only been a minister for one month. We know what we are doing. What I can say to Zimbabweans is that we need six months to see the full impact of the changes from the policies that we have pursued,” he told state media at the time.
Well, it is almost five years later and we can definitely see the full results of the policies that he has pursued.
Pity on Dougie
Muckraker commiserates with Douglas Mwonzora, who lost his court bid to delay the election so that he can enjoy a few more months posing as an opposition leader.
Mwonzora had applied to have the court declare Zec’s delimitation process dropped, effectively pushing elections back.
Justice Luke Malaba and his friends laughed him out of court. Mwonzora then stood on the steps of the court and declared: “The Constitutional Court has made a political judgment; it is an unfair judgment and we do not accept it, but we have received legal advice and the matter is not stopping here.”
Some of us are confused now, because some learned people and some in the newspapers had told us that Mwonzora was going to win the case easily because this was all part of a grand conspiracy by the powers that be to postpone the election because they are afraid of losing.