The Fiddler
Apocalyptic landscape. Utter devastation. Acrid smoke rising from still smoldering shattered buildings. Decomposing mangled bodies and parts of bodies strewn all over. No sign of any human life.
A short man appears from nowhere. There is a swagger about him. His overlarge General’s uniform is weighed down with innumerable impressive medals. He looks very pleased with himself and he starts to sing in a gutteral, out of tune voice:
“I’ve got the whole world in my hands.
I’ve got the whole wide world in my hands.
I’ve got the whole world in my hands.
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I’ve got the whole world in my hands.”
As he struts through the wreckage admiring his handiwork, he momentarily wonders how he will practice tyranny without any people to oppress. He quickly dismisses this quibble, assuring himself that this is not the point.
This was the backdrop for a very special Zoom meeting entitled Dead to Rights. This forum discussion was live-streamed to what was left of the world. Famous dictators, past and present, were invited to reminiscence about their glory days and exchange ideas on the best methods to achieve absolute power.
This is the official report of what transpired at this forum.
The forum compere said no one was to call him Vladi. Vladi was a most jovial fellow. He had a devilish sense of humour and was the life and soul of the party. He extended a warm welcome to all the participants, although he acknowledged that this greeting was rather superfluous not only for those already being warmed by the fires of hades but also for those soon to qualify for such cost free heating. He expressed the hope that the discussion would be open and candid discussion and that participants would refrain from killing other participants if they suspected them of standing in the way of their aspirations towards world domination. Participants were also reminded to take their meds to minimise temporarily their paranoia and megalomania.
The first participant to speak was Idi Amin who caused quite a ruckus by suggesting that he alone was entitled to claim the title of the greatest dictator of all time. He insisted on being referred to by his self-given moniker, his Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular and King of Scotland. However, Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbend Waza Banga said his title was his name which meant the Warrior who Goes from Conquest to Conquest Leaving Fire in His Wake. This was far more succinct that the title of the preening Amin. Kim Jong-Il proudly observed that after his death he, as the Great Leader, was designated as “Eternal General Secretary of the WPK and the “Eternal Chairman of the National Defence Commission.” This showed that it did not matter whether a Great Leader has died of natural causes, has been executed, has been assassinated or has died by his own hand. His legacy will live on well beyond the grave.” Another dictator commented that this is what the Bard had in mind when he said Why man he doth bestride the world like a colossus” and that he was certainly did not dictators in mind when he penned these lines, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,/That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,/And then is heard no more.”
Papa Doc Duvalier chipped in, saying that he had cleverly reworded a famous prayed to reflect the people’s love of him: “Our Doc, who art in the National Palace for life, hallowed be thy name. Give us this day our new Haiti and forgive not the trespasses of those anti-patriots who daily spit upon our country.” The compere interjected to say it was important to spit out unpatriotic gnats.
Mobutu proclaimed that it was common knowledge that God had personally appointed and ordained dictators and that their ancestors had fully endorsed them. “Naturally”, he said, “dictators have full authority to acquire massive wealth and to live in palatial mansions, although I did feel obliged to make an example out the man who insolently referred to me as “a walking bank vault with a leopard-skin cap” — I invited him to undergo a very painful death. One of my palaces wasn’t just bedecked with gold, marble and Louis XIV furniture — I also had conveyer belts installed to bring around Champagne and food delicacies to my guests while speakers poured out the Gregorian chants I liked so much.” He pointed out that many dictators had dungeons underneath their mansions so they can take delight in hearing their enemies receiving the appropriate treatment. One dictator was alleged to have put the fun back into mass executions by having his soldiers carrying out executions dressed as Santa Claus.
Caligula gave his horse, Incitatus, his own house with a marble stall and ivory manger. He was going to appoint the horse as a consul but was assassinated before he could do so. On the other hand, Papa Doc said that when he heard a political rival had transformed into a black dog, he ordered all the black dogs in the country to be killed.
Saparmurat Niyazov the dictator of Turkmenistan boasted that his autobiography entitled Ruhnama, or “book of the soul” provided all the answers. All citizens had to read this inspired book and would be tested on the book in order to obtain a driving licence or when applying for a job. They were ordered to recite Ruhnama every day. He had organized for this book to be blasted into the space on a rocket, with the official press announcing that the book that conquered the hearts of millions on Earth was now conquering space.” He also created a national holiday in honour of melons.
One of the issues that came up was what criteria should be used to decide who was entitled to the title of the greatest dictator of all time? Should the main criterion be who has killed the most people or should it be who has occupied the most territory or should it be a combination of the two? During the break at the end of the first day the research department was tasked to compile some statistics, noting that accurate statistics were extremely difficult to come by. This document was tabled at the start of the proceedings the next day. This is set out below.
Stalin was the final speaker. He summed things up by saying: “A true dictator must have supreme confidence in himself and be prepared to take dictatorship the whole way. He must not fiddle around disguising his tyranny under some form of pseudo- democracy. He must act ruthlessly when detecting even a whiff of disloyalty. A friend of a dictator must steadfastly stand by the dictator whatever the dictator chooses to do. A true friend will simply ignore false stories in the western media about atrocities they say the dictator is committing in distant places like Mariupol. But even if the stories were to turn out to be true, this should not make any difference.
Compere: This has been a most fruitful and informative discussion. I thank you all for your profound contributions.
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