THE beaming smile said it all. He had done it! Nearly 10 years to the day when his predecessor, the late Robert Mugabe, took over the rotating chairmanship of the Southern African Development Community (Sadc), our owner, the illustrious “Second Republic” chief, found himself similarly enthroned as the regional bloc’s chair, giving the 82-year-old some long-sought regional recognition. What a triumph!
The circumstances are strikingly similar.
Back in the day, when Mugabe took over, he had just wriggled out of a tight spot, winning a hotly contested and controversial election against the late Morgan Tsvangirai. That election, you may recall, ended the unity government and left the country more polarised than ever.
Sadc observers, ever diplomatic, declared the vote free, but avoided commenting on its fairness, while the opposition screamed electoral fraud.
Mugabe had also previously led the continental body’s predecessor, the Organisation of African Unity (OAU) from 1997 to 1998, with the elections three years earlier being largely uncontested, as Zimbabwe had no significant opposition at the time.
Fast-forward to 2024, and our owner, following in those well-worn footsteps, ascends to the Sadc chairmanship on the back of a similarly controversial election against Tsvangirai’s successor, Nelson Chamisa, which most observers called scandalous.
The Sadc observers were not quite as coy this time, flagging everything from voting delays and banned opposition rallies to biased state media. They flat-out said the election did not meet the regional standards for a free and fair vote. And just for good measure, Zambia’s Nevers Mumba called it “the most fraudulent in the history of Sadc”. Ouch!
But our owner, ever magnanimous, encouraged the disgruntled to take their complaints to court. Chamisa, however, remembering his last tango with those courts in 2018, wisely declined, and perhaps recalling that old East African proverb: “When a thief encourages you to go to court, just know that his elder brother is the judge.”
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So, what was first on the agenda? Debunking that pesky Chamisa’s claim that our owner is illegally squatting in State House because of the shenanigans he pulled.
The cheek of the young man! Our owner has been redecorating and making himself comfortable — who can blame him? Five years in such luxury is hardly enough. Why not 10? Or 15? Zimbabweans, after all, let the previous owner enjoy a 37-year lease!
Usual platitudes
But apart from the ceremonial passing of the chairmanship, which looked more like a coronation, the usual platitudes were notably absent. The Herald of Truth, always ready to fill the gap, informed us that Chamisa’s alleged report was thrown out by the bloc’s patriotic members, though they did not want to be quoted about it. Go figure.
So, we were told: “Fallen but desperate opposition leader Mr Nelson Chamisa has now resorted to outright fraud, lies and deceit as he desperately seeks political relevance. Mr Chamisa, who lost last year’s elections, has now come up with a fake inquest report that alleges, without substantiating, that the polls were rigged.
“The concocted report was supposed to be shared among a few select Sadc leaders during the region’s annual summit underway in Harare, and sympathetic foreign elements that have always been anti-Zimbabwe.
“Two civic society organisations (CSOs, names withheld) were supposed to release the report under the pretext of a deep inquest into last year’s elections when it was written hurriedly overnight.
“This was part of a broader plot to sully the reputation of the Second Republic; other sub-plots included faked abductions and violent demonstrations!”
Predictably, Mr Chamisa was refusing to answer calls from The Horrid. After all, any kind of response he could give would stand in the way of a good story.
Chamisa, first of the More Drink Coming Alliance (MDC-A) party and then the Chinhu Changu Chete (CCC) fame? Please, the so-called Second Republic does enough sullying of its reputation far better than Chamisa can ever dream of.
If our owner and his Zany party were so confident that they won fair and square, would they be comfortable with an independent audit? Or, to lay the ghost to rest once and for all, in 2028, we have an actually independent body, even Sadc, to run the elections?
But last Saturday, our venerable owner clutched the gavel with that trademark grin plastered across his face, and oh, what a sight it was! He had done it — he had arrived, with stolen elections, locked-up critics, and all.
With 12 out of 15 member states sending their heads of state to bask in his glorious presence, who cared that the misguided, unpatriotic HH (Hakainde Hichilema) from across the Zambezi decided to skip the party? It was a joyous occasion, after all!
Agenda 2030
And then there is that 2030 agenda. Given the glee with which our owner greeted being officially anointed as the rotational chairperson of the regional block, now Muck understands why he is so desperate to keep his lease of the country’s top office.
The Sadc chairmanship is just the beginning. Our owner’s eyes are set on the African Union (AU) chairmanship, which rotates back to Southern Africa in — you guessed it — 2030.
Now the 2030 agenda is making sense.
Here is how the AU chairmanship works. It rotates among the five regional groups on the continent.
The current chairperson is Mauritanian President Mohamed Ould Ghazouani. Mauritania is in North Africa.
The chairmanship moves to Southern Africa next year and both Angola and Botswana are vying for it. It means the Sadc region gets another shot in 2030.
Muck thinks that because the chairmanship of the African Union will be in play in 2030, our owner reckons that if he can mollycoddle and charms his way, he might snag it!
What a crowning achievement that would be! Please do not tell Muck that it is trivial, because it is a big deal. If the Sadc Summit has told us anything, it is that our owner would go to the ends of the earth for the legitimacy the controversial electoral victories in 2018 and 2023 have denied him in the eyes of anyone with a brain. He craves approval.
For a man who declared himself the “Munhumutapa” of our times, to tie his heritage to that illustrious line of kings from the 15th Century, there is no such thing as an insignificant title.
But really, what does his Sadc chairmanship change for Zimbabweans? Nothing. So why should they care about one man’s ego trip?
Chamisa, again
Oh, and about Chamisa. This past week, Muck noted with amusement some so-called enlightened individuals calling on the former leader of CCC, Nelson Chamisa, to quit opposition politics for good. One academic even threatened to “expose” Chamisa if he didn’t step aside.
“Go with your Godisinit and leave opposition politics now, to allow a new leadership. As I have stated before, you have served the state well by systematically demobilising the masses — a damn disgrace for which you will pay dearly. Declare your departure or we expose you,” one Ibbo Mandaza wrote.
A so-called journalist also wrote: “This nonsense is now nauseating! You can’t keep repeating the same thing for 7 years while vana vakazara mumajeri (youths are locked up in jails). It is either you are meant to lead or you are not leadership material!”
Apparently, they are unhappy with Chamisa’s non-violent, no-protest approach to Zimbabwe politics!
Muck has been wondering: What opposition party does Chamisa lead? What is stopping anyone who thinks they can generate enough political currency to start their own political movement? Is opposition politics in Zimbabwe defined by Chamisa? If that is the case, then as a people, Zimbabweans are a lost cause.
Even villain George Charamba was taken aback by the nonsense coming from the men who are supposed to know better.
“This is crazy; why do you hold him responsible for voluntary incapacitation? Itaka opposition yacho iwe!!!! (Form your own opposition party,” Charamba fired on X.
If Dhonzamusoro007 makes more sense than you, you are beyond help.
