Marriage is an institution that is under serious trouble. People walk into marriage without scars but come out with emotional scars. In marriage, emotions, and feelings are at play. When two people don’t understand those emotions, a negative spark will start.
In the last two decades, the subject of emotional intelligence has grown with more scholars doing more research on it. Daniel Goleman, is literally considered the father of emotional intelligence after he wrote extensively on the subject.
Emotional intelligence is one subject that must be taught to individuals and in our school system because research is coming with more evidence that it is becoming more powerful than IQ.
IQ can get you grades at school, but it is in emotional intelligence where you learn how to manage yourself and others.
Marriage requires a higher level of emotional intelligence as there are feelings, emotions and reactions that need to be managed.
Secondly, in marriage, we bring two distinct and different personalities that grow up in different circumstances. Those two beings have different world views.
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As you get into marriage, the first and the most up important person is you. You need to be aware of your emotional make-up and how you can best manage it.
Marriage mates are wired or designed differently and endowed with different personality traits. For example, if you are aware that you are hot-tempered, you know how to manage yourself when dealing with your spouse or partner. The inability to manage your emotions could cause tempers to flare.
Learn about your partner You must be aware of your partner’s feelings, emotional wiring and mental paradigms. Do not behave or react as though their feelings do not exist. We usually expect other people to like us, but that is never the case.
Learn your spouse How do they behave when they are happy? This helps you maintain the happiness-momentum. How do they behave when angry?
That makes you react or address the matter in a mature way. Invest in knowing your partner’s emotional make-up.
Be sensitive to your partner Being sensitive to your partner is very important. There are good small things that they do, and those should be appreciated.
Don’t crucify them for all bleeps and blunders, its part of human nature. Find means to help them manage and get out of the problems.
Learn to communicate with your partner Men and women have different love languages. What is important to a woman, might not be important to a man and vise versa. Learn to communicate calmly with your spouse.
Emotions come by, but manage them and grow and be able to communicate rotationally. I know it becomes easy to use emotions when one is angry because feelings will be at work, but take a second to ponder before you spew out those words.
It’s is said words inflict the biggest wounds than physical assault. Don’t say what you would regret when you go back to your normal state.
The worst thing a partner could do is to publicly scold you. Find better means to address problems when there are only the two of you. Maturity asks for forgiveness and amicable ways for conflict resolution.
Learn to manage conflict Conflict is unavoidable in marriage. How you react when you are angry will define the state of your marriage. Couples must learn to manage and resolve conflict.
Some people have a tendency to bottle issues. Some people speak their hearts outrightly, but that must be done in wisdom.
Angela Bisignano (2018) wrote “Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.”
Learn to love one another In marriage, we must learn to love one another. Use positive words of encouragement. Small things such as simple hugs and sex can do the magic. Remember, in the words of Robert A. Heinlein, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
Jonah Nyoni is an author, speaker, and leadership trainer. Follow Jonah on Twitter @jonahnyoni. WhatsApp: +263 772 581 918